Life
I will not try to organize life. I will not pick and choose tufts of the same cloud and drag it down, drain it of its being, take what's left and wrap it up. Life isn't, perhaps, even a box of scraps just so randomly laden. Life is the only word that can possibly encompass within itself a thousand thoughts and a thousand hurts and joys. "Life" pulls me in, shows me a world I want to belong to. Life is not constant. Sometimes, it is an alternate reality: a place we can only visit every so often. But then we grow and change, and we accept it; it becomes a part of ourselves, ever present, yet never omnipotent. He gives me this, so powerful, of such great magnitude. Throughout all, it prevails. And just so swiftly, it is gone again. This gift, I cannot keep it, I can only hold it for a while and then pass it along.
June 4th:
1.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
2. Graduation
Name the child Soleil.
If I traded it all
if I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something?
Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah, I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds...
Finger Eleven is lovely. I want it now.
How could anyone love feeling hated?
Sometimes, I hate myself. I don't know if I've ever loved myself. Except in my memories.
Insight
Me:so, you have an obsession with death...?
Josh:lol. Yes I do.
Weird, huh?
Me:i suppose a little. but mostly just an ominous sort of feeling.
Josh:thats the way it started
when i was in the seventh grade
Me:i think i find it sort of wrong...that i could think about it so nonchalantly. every time i pass the places where people died
Josh:thats a coping mechanism
If we actually took into consdieration what had happend to all those little crosses, our minds would be broken
Me:yeah...i have a fixation with uh....apathy.
i would be the world's martyr if i could.
Josh:explain
Me:lol
i have this want to understand everybody. and to be understood by everybody.
in ninth grade when all my friends thought they were suicidal, i couldn't understand. it almost killed me.
douglas. i got close to him to understand him, but it only destroyed things.
rachael. always cutting herself with those razor blades. i longed for that same feeling that made her do it. feel so out of control. i would have willed upon me all the things she had gone through just to understand.
and it is a sad cycle because i do it every time. get attached to someone. I take it on, all of their pain and frustration; i think i am invincible. but i am not. and then things go too far and instead of staying my course, i merely abandon it. i cannot force myself to take the step past understanding.
thats a coping mechanism
If we actually took into consideration what had happend to all those little crosses, our minds would be broken...
it just reminded me of something i wrote the other day.
about how all of it would break us.
i will probably just keep taking it in and eventually it will overcome me. the world's martyr.
"You see, I'd like to give you this gift, something so small and so just noticeable, and I'd like to be loved for it. It's such a selfish act, giving. I only want to feel that happiness. Sometimes, I wonder how I know it, and I wonder when I've felt it before...and somewhere there lies my beautiful gift to mankind. I am on a crusade for care. I will tell the whole world how much I hate their apathy. I will tell them. I will tell them. I'd like to start seeing the value in life. In every human life. I'd like to love you all just so equally and so unconditionally. I'd like to grieve for the loss of so many lives and I'd like to be impacted by all the good you've done. I must have been, you see, because I'm on this mission now to make an impact. I'd love it if I could affect others like I've been affected so lately."
lol. sorry. you told me to explain.
Josh:lol, haha
i think you explained better than you could have any other way
but i have to ask
what are your motivations?
why do you want to help people?
Me:to help myself
Josh:so you can feel better about yourself for helping them, or purely to help them?
Me:neither.
and both, actually
i know from helping them, i will feel better about myself. but that part doesn't last because i see through my act. the part that lasts is that small piece of purity i gained from helping them. almost nonexistent, almost unnoticeable. but if i work enough, all these little grains of purity will add up...will make me whole.
the grain of purity is my connection with humankind. being able to understand them through their situations...so many different situations, that i'll have to keep on..
but it's all a waste if i can't take the next step. so i'm hoping i'll find the strength for that later.
...and in my long long long explanation lies my need for you to understand me...i feel these superfluous statements help me attain this goal...
Josh:What exactly is "the next step"? actually going through with what the peron you're trying to help is?
Me:the next step is actually taking these things i've learned from them and from others and ACTually helping them. helping them find some perspective i guess. helping them find hope.
perhaps part of the reason i can't carry through is because i don't yet know the entirety of the next step
Josh:I suppose it's a combination of how to apply what youve learned, as well as comprehending it
Me:i suppose. i have faith that once i have aged in all aspects, i will better understand my craziness.
Josh:Thats a good obsession
there's nothing wrong with helping people
Me:lol. but a selfish one all the same.
as are all obsessions, methinks
Josh:...or wanting to understand them. To be enlightened, a person has to understand themselves and the people around them. Yeah, but there's really nothing wrong with some selfishness, as long as you're also giving
it's when you're only one thing that you become a menace to others
Me:i agree. because even those who concentrate solely on others will eventually find the need to focus on themselves. they need moderation
Plea
I was born to entertain. I was born to exploit all those moments that were meant to be only my own. Meant to tell you about them. Meant to give you a new glimpse of life, usher you backstage. I was meant to let you know that you're not alone. But maybe it’s all worth something after all…? What do you call those people? Those truth-mongers? I am she. I am that truth-monger. Or I’d like to think that’s me… Tell me it’s so. And I’ll cry for joy that I’ve finally found my own true love, the purpose in my life.
Past crusades, past loves:
Love
Care
Need
Understanding
Hope
Faith
Religion
God
Indifference
Apathy
Numbness
Faithfully sarcastic
Faithfully nonchalant
Some, I have let pass with the seasons, understood their purpose in my life was none other than to pass through it briefly, abysmally. I pray they will not make other such brief visits, please don’t come to call again. These others, I have kept;
these are my virtues.
Such an ugly bunch of words; worse even, than that…cruel, unforgiving…heartless.
Currently, I am watching a Defensive Driving video with my sister. I don't know why... I am bored to tears. I feel like crap; I hate spring colds! I
always get one. Jeremy, did you give me your cold?! : (( I got crabs in Corpus. Two! I named then Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe has a round shell and Goyle's is blue and more jagged. It kind of reminds me of a Gargoyle. I really need to get them a bigger aquarium and some new shells to grow into. I would also like to get them a nice little dish for water. Anyway, I am going to abandon this BORING video and go read Harry Potter...
Glenners! Congratulations! I'm sorry I couldn't make it... My dad got sick and didn't want to drive...I tried to call you...: ((
My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R/My bologna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R/ I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I'll say/cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
Upon Wanting to Write an Entry but not having the patience for anything with any real meaning. NYU, please offer ME free housing...? : ((
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"...Artoo had found a cell where the records were not melted..."
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
My curtain
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A special on Friends. (yes, dork)
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
10:57
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
Hm. 10:54. Egh. I am incompetent, wah!
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Nothing really. The ceiling fan, I guess. Oh, and the jingling of the bells off my mum from homecoming.
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
Um. Around 10. I wanted to pet Whiteness.
8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
On the internet?? In general?? On the internet, I was checking out 5hawn's journal because I was bored. And then I got onto ma++'s journal so I could access this survey, which is actually off of Leah's journal. I was also writing stuff down for my Senior will for band.
9: What are you wearing?
What I wore to school; my green pants with the hole that has been sewn together, and now have bleach stains on them which pisses me off because I don't know how they got there, and my Fall of Rome marching band shirt. and my cool socks that are white. (STILL!)
10: Did you dream last night?
Dunno. I think so. Little tiny bits of something familiar...still in my subconscious...
11: When did you last laugh?
Not sure. I think I smiled when this guy looked at me in my car today. Or I might have laughed when I was at Mr. Frerichs's house today. Or maybe while I watching the Friends stuff...
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Shades of green paint. and blue trim. And pictures/posters and metals and my mum and stuff from when I can't even remember now.
13: Seen anything weird lately?
I am sure I have. Nothing really comes to mind but just you wait.
14: What do you think of this quiz?
It is fairly ok.
15: What is the last film you saw?
Um. I watched Sorority Boys again on Starz. : (( I was really bored. But before that, a bootlegged version of Return of the King, on the way back from Band Trip.
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
Buy? I would probably want to pay some things off. Buy? Probably some type of food.
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
Er. I REALLY want to act and be famous. Or sing in a band and be famous. Like REALLY.
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would make people find something to invest themselves in. I would make them care about
something.
19: Do you like to dance?
Yeah. As long as no one else is there.
20: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I think a little bit of both. He's a good guy with good intentions.
21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Audrey. Heck yeah.
21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Jude. HECK yeah.
22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
Sure. I plan to for a summer semester during college. Rome, here I come.
