Collegiate...Collegeness
I am liking all the film connoisseurs at this summer program. It's funny because I get along better with the PA's than with almost anyone in the actual program. One of the PA's Kelly has Osama and I am excited because I have really wanted to see it. His roomate said he probably wouldn't mind letting me borrow it. : ))

My English 180 teacher seems to like me quite a bit. I have worked pretty hard in that class, though, so it's not unwarranted. I've gotten 2 A's and 1 A+ so far. Yay!

There are a lot of bandies in this group. I have met 3 other people already that play the flute/piccolo. I am annoyed. I hate when they all play the same instrument. This means that they will be good and I will suck and I won't make it through the second audition.

Lincoln is evil because they have lots of neat places to eat like Thai Cuisine, Cold Stone Creamery, Ivanna Cone(HOMEmade ice cream right there! so good), Chipotle, Valentino's pizza, Runza Hut, etc etc etc....Mmmm. Plus, the steak here kicks Texas steak's ass. Steak...so yummy... I don't even like steak normally! I am excited because sometime soon we are going to go to the coffeehouse... Yay! Coffee! The Chai Tea Lattes in the cafeteria are pretty good, though, really.

I am, of course, missing everyone a lot. I am still getting adjusted.

Also, my roommate for the fall is most likely from China, NOT the Falkland Islands! I think they made a typo; I've never found anything about any Hong Kong in the Falkland Islands, and the "f" on the keyboard is pretty close to the "c." Plus, her name is Chinese! So awesome.

In other news, I saw Spellbound and Butterflies are Free the other day. And The Rocking-Horse Winner, The Killers, Psycho and The Thing for class! Movies! : )) We are to read through The Grifters this weekend and will be viewing it on Monday. John Cusack is in it! yayity.

Dean Martin just said "Fran Sansisco."   ¶ 14:25

  Mama, You've Got a Daughter
who's a failure at all things important in life. I'm never going to be different. I try so hard, and I find it so easy for just one fraction of time....but I'm never going to be someone I'm not. That's just a ploy.

It doesn't matter that Jane walks along at the back with the rest of the group, or whether she walks in front with them. It doesn't matter if she's in the middle. Because they'll always navigate away, repelled like two negative ends of a magnet. How does she turn over a new leaf? How does she get to be someone people admire instead of just a face in the back, frequenting the grounds, eerily ghostlike? Jane's a Mona Lisa. Not so particularly lovely; slightly mysterious but not enough to be interesting for too long. Jane's a real life Mona Lisa, a fixture, a necessary evil in society. People only visit a museum once. They only see her once. And then it's gone.   ¶ 17:41

 
I am being completely completely antisocial. I have been on my computer every second I haven't had work to do. This is bad, no? I'm supposed to meet people. I am sick and tired of meeting people. I want the same people always, I don't care about all of these new people. I think I should like to make a business card with a disclaimer on the back of it and hand it to people if they ever say they feel like hanging out. So on one side, I'll have my contact information, and on the other, I'll have all this stuff about me. All the good and the bad. Do you still want to hang out with me? And I have HW. Rrrr. This is the summer for goodness sakes! I don't know why I subject myself to all of this crap. I want to be at home with nothing to do, about to watch Little House on the Prairie. I know it's unproductive and completely unhealthy, but I really don't care. At 1:45, we are meeting to go to Love Library together for our Library class. It's over the computer most of the time, but we have to get "oriented" first, or something. My roommate is starting to hate me because I am not hanging out with her or talking to her. I am on here. Hehe. Oh well, she reminds me overwhelmingly of Rachael. Egh. No comment. Not because it's good or bad. I really actually don't know what to think of it. I need a chair for my room. This one isn't comfortable for reading or anything. My head touches the ceiling when I try to sit up in my loft bed. Oh well. I said I was very good at adapting. I will have to prove myself.

In psychology, we learned that the biggest source of most peoples' stress is change.   ¶ 13:36

  a home away from home
I am all moved in for now. I got my fall housing information today. I am in Selleck and my roommate is from the Falkland Islands, which are 300 miles east of South America in the South Atlantic Ocean. Her name is Ruby Ka Sin Mo. Loft beds and a 6-cubic foot fridge come with the rooms because Selleck is a premium hall. Selleck is where most foreigners and music majors stay. I am right at home. : ))   ¶ 00:03

  Vice
It's funny. I can't say just what makes me hold back, makes me stop. Was I restless or just so afraid I'd fall deeper into this trap? I stop myself because I just keep adding up things I like about you, always trying to convince myself to fall for anyone just because they're beautiful.

It's a funny thing, I embrace life without even flinching. I embrace pain and sorrow and loss and hurt and happiness and joy and regret and love and hate and war and peace and every other little thing that could come my way. It makes me happy that I'm growing and changing and learning and wising up, as you might say. I want to feel everything there is to feel and know everything there is to know. I want to understand how people become numb and the feeling of cold steel cutting through your skin. I want to feel a tingle when someone touches me. I want to be so selfless and so selfish; I want to be happy when someone compliments me, not feel unworthy of their praise. It has come to me. I think to myself, how can I embrace all of this? To feel. It's always to feel. And somewhere under all emotion lies a level of happiness for me. But. I watch life like an epoch tale, I cry a bit and laugh a bit and sigh a bit and then move on. I forget until I am reminded again. Rarely do I ever let anything or anyone into my heart. (yes it sounds cliche, I know) I think, maybe I can't bear a real loss. I embrace this pain and hurt and sorrow, I yearn for it....but I am afraid that soon something real will happen and a part of me will die. Right now, the only real feeling I have is this ache to feel...anything.   ¶ 02:35

  yeah, more pictures

  ¶ 21:53

  yeah, pictures










  ¶ 00:55

 
"Oh come on, please can't I see them? Just for a second. Just a little bit!"

"Fine...Don't crush them or drop them. They don't have those at home, it took me forever to collect them. You promise you won't?"

"I swear, I won't."

There's a glint in her eye I didn't notice before.




People don't forgive the past.   ¶ 02:25

 
I got my Military ID Card renewed today! I realized I will be 21 in 2006! And that's craziness!

  ¶ 01:02

 
  ¶ 00:19

  Lying awake at night, there is naught to do but stare at my ceiling

The beast and the wizard stare down at me, gifts the dark night and the blessed light give me; always there, always watching. The beast is a very gallant being. A genuine gentleman. So kind, so considerate, polite. He holds his head up high, full of hopes and dreams, full of ambition. The wizened wizard looks down at me with a shrewd expression on his face. Perhaps at first mistaken for disappointment, it's more a general cynicism for the whole human race. He expects only trouble from me, and I...I am full of expectations. Expectations for myself. I will prove my worth to him, he will come to love and respect me.

I look on these walls wistfully. I know they will not stay and wait for me. They will move on, they will tell different stories. I can expect nothing less than change. I know I will miss these fantastic beings I have grown up with, and I wonder what creatures I will see in my home away from home. There is no place like Nebraska-there is no place like home.


Jessica's "WTF" Game   ¶ 01:16

 

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla   ¶ 21:59

 
Whimsical. That's it! That's the word, yes. I live in dreams. I guess I'm asleep all the time, then.

You know, children are foreigners. Children are other-worldly beings. They have to adjust to life, they have to grow and change and dodge pain and chase after happiness. They have to adapt. Life is an acidic rain...the rust on shiny silver. Corrupting everything in sight. But I want to be shiny silver again. I'm sick of all this adjusting. I'm sick of desensitizing myself just because I can't get along any other way.

Happiness is hard.   ¶ 00:10

  decksanddrumsandrockandroll
What do people mean when they say, or think, "you're not my type?" Is it some selfish tendency to stay in that comfortable realm they're in forever and always? "You're not my type" allows you to keep on the way you are. Not become bigger, better, more fulfilled. Types are superficial. Types are...insufficient. Types are labels for people. Labels are never sufficient. They don't have disclaimers. And they don't have character. Types are just like molds. No one fits in a mold. Anyway, I wouldn't want to spend my whole life with just a mold of something else, just an imitation. No. Why should I sell them short? It's unfair, really. Types only work because they aren't sufficient. If you could choose the one you'd end up with, look at every aspect of them, their life, you'd make the biggest mistake. Falling for someone is involuntary. There are supposed to be surprises, little imperfections.

Crikey! I hate when I can't say things the way I want to. But sometimes, it's better that way.   ¶ 20:05

 

You are most like Sarah
You are loyal to your friends. Your imagination and
fantasies are what make you different. Your will
to win can sometimes be so strong, that you
come across as cruel.


What Labyrinth Charater are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla


Today's fortune cookie says: "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."

But....my mom was sitting just next to me...   ¶ 17:53

  She's got a voice like cotton candy
I took this test ages ago, but never posted it. Well, I took it again, and the results were the same:

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I'm actually pretty satisfied with the description. I do believe that's what I do. Or at least what I try to do.


Yesterday, I compared myself to at least TWO well-known characters in literature! I feel so smart.
From various conversations:

i should be really sad but i think i'm demented that way....i think i get some strange....thrill...from death. it's really kind of bothering me. sometimes i think i'm soulless.

it must be some innate instinct…when my grandma died, i was like...giddy or something. i was so...almost glad to have something people would pity me for. i think i have some weird thing with eliciting emotion from other people....or maybe i was just sick of being upset over something so little before that i was relieved to finally have a reason to be upset....

i think about it....all the time. constantly. i just....i'm morbid or something. i think of funny, strange things. things that amuse me about it. things that are interesting about it. i become analytical, i try to force everything through a tiny straw and it just won't go. i get bits and pieces. nothing full out.
i feed on tragedy. it makes me happy.

i think i'm making excuses for myself
it's like....i think i'm Gene from A Separate Peace


Charlie: nothing wrong with long windedness, makes you appear more intelligent
Me: well, some might say that, but the intellectually superior would see a connection between my explanation and the kind of speech Polonius used

Now the last part, I totally pride myself on. But the thing about me being Gene, that's truthful. I really do think more and more now, that I'm like Gene Forrester.


Sidenote: I made Jeremy's profile again! : ))
  ¶ 17:40

 
I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm always limiting myself, never doing all the things I could if only I tried. I know this is not true and that I cannot do everything just because I try and try, but the feeling does not understand this logic, it gives me no reprieve. I think...I think it bothers me because it wants me to try things I've always wanted to try. It wants me to do things and get excited over things. Things we said- I need to do these things. I should not want what I don't have. Maybe it is better. Things I need to do:

Be in a band. SING.
Save someone.
Act.
Love.
Find unrelenting, all-enduring hope and faith. In everything, in God, in work, in love, in myself.
Stand up for my beliefs.
Not worry about being accepted or rejected.
Understand.
Forgive.
Move on.
Ask someone out on a date.
Win a chess game.
Dance.
Write a book.
Write a song.
Paint.
Go river-rafting.
Hiking. Rock-climbing.
Cry when I feel like it.
Be selfless.
Comfort someone.
Go pogo-ing.
Go hot-air ballooning.
Travel. Everywhere.
Learn new languages.
Give away treasures.

Yeah. I think I've listed many of these already.

  ¶ 17:40

 
time, it passes
and it tells us what we're left with
we become the things we do
me, i'm a fool spent from defiance
yeah, you got me
but i didn't give up on you

This is the piccolo I have purchased for marching band this year. Apparently, the Cornhusker marching band doesn't march flutes. Total bummer! But hey, I get a PICCOLO. And that's cool...

Yesterday, I watched The Battle of Shaker Heights. It has Shia LaBeouf in it. You know, the guy from Holes, the movie I've seen about 1233450983 times. Oh, and he was also in Charlie's Angels:Full Throttle. Anyways...I think I have a crush on him. Teehee. But he looks much different without all the hair. Muey caliente....no? I can't wait for I, Robot to come out! Ahh...belle!

Anyway. Tomorrow, we are going to watch Spiderman 2 in Rockwall, after having brunch at Wafflehouse. : )) Tomorrow is G's birthday!

Now I am watching Bad Company. Anthony Hopkins is freaking awesome.   ¶ 18:29