IN ONE TRY..TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR:
FINGERS: Ashley
CHIN: aahl.edy
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED: ashley
CHEEK: /.rtu
ELBOW: ashblwe yh
LIPS: ashley
PALM: aASGHVGHKLESG
BACK OF HAND: asghlkesygf
NOSE: qwyooe3y
TONGUE:ashley
Put in x for all the ones that apply to you--
Have you ever...
[] been drunk.
[] smoked pot.
[] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[] kissed a member of the same sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[] been fired.
[] been in a fist fight.
[] had sex.
[] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[] snuck out of your parent's house.
[] been arrested.
[] made out with a stranger.
[] stole something from your job.
[] celebrated new years in red square.
[] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x]had a crush on a teacher.
[] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[] thrown up from drinking.
[] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[] dropped x.
[] cheated on a bf/gf.
[] been cheated on.
[x] had a sweet sixteen.
[] had a quincenera.
[x] had a car.
[x] drove.
Do you...
[] have a bf.
[] have a gf.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[] think you're attractive.
[] have a dog.
[] have your own room.
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[x] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno.
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails. (sometimes)
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] get good grades.
[x] play an instrument
[x] have slippers.
[x]wear boxers.
[] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[] cyber.
[] claim. (what now...?)
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[] have long hair. (I did)
[] have medium hair.
[x] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[] have a laptop.
[] have a pager.
Are you...
[] ugly.
[] pretty.
[x] ok. (ok-looking...?)
[x] bored.
[x] happy.
[x] bilingual.
[x] white.
[] black.
[] mexican.
[] asian.
[] short.
[x]tall. (sorta...?)
[] grounded.
[]sick.
[x] a virgin.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[] taken.
[x] looking.
[] not looking.
[] talking to someone
[] IMing someone.
[x]scared to die
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[x]annoyed.
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty.
[] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[]in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[] listening to music.
[] homophobic.
[] racist
Random:
1. What would your dream date be? To be able to talk to someone easily and feel like I've known them forever. I don't care that much about the rest.
2. Single flower or a dozen? single rose. or get me some really pretty/unique flowers.
3. Silver, gold or platinum? Silver or white gold is good enough. Platinum is lovely but so fragile.
4. Candle lit dinner in a restaurant or at home? Candle lit at home.
6. Silly or serious romance? Golly, both.
7. Marvin Gaye or Barry White? man that's hard. I guess Barry White...sorry Marvin... : (
8. Do you consider yourself romantic: hopelessly so
9. Quiet? yes
10. Boring? Probably
11. Funny? Depends on who I'm with. Some people think so. I am not funny all the time, but I have my moments. Most of the time, I'm funny when I don't mean to be.
12. The Lovey Dovey type? Probably. I try not to be too much so. There's a time and a place, of course.
When was the last time you...
13. Dissected something? Freshman year. A fetal pig.
14. Drank? not excessively so. not to the point where I got drunk. I am Catholic, and my dad makes beer and wine...
15. Cut your hair? The night of graduation. Just after graduation.
16. Kissed someone? my parents...otherwise, never.
17. Missed someone? now.
18. Told someone you love them? an hour or two ago. I have been alone since then.
19. Talked to someone you have a crush on? not too long ago. : )
20. What CD is in your CD player right now? I don't really have one. I have an iPod! But in my car, Kill Bill 1 soundtrack.
21. Who was your favourite Spice Girl? Uh.. posh I think. Never really listened to them much at all.
Q. Favorite Disney Characters? Aurora, Jacques (Finding Nemo), um...I don't really have favorites, per sé.
Q. Favorite fast food? Chick Fil A, I think.
Q. Favorite book? that's really hard. Golly...probably Harry Potter.
Q. Favorite Sports athlete? hmm. I like Barrett Ruud. He's doing really well this year. I hope his brother Bo does well, too.
Q. Favorite song? Wow, far too many. Right now, I like Mraz's Better and also I Don't Care (Lonesome Road) by Alana Davis. I also reallly like Eels, Bright Eyes, and Elliott Smith.
Q. What is your shoe size? 10-10.5
Q. What will you be when you grow up? so hard...a writer, I hope. And I hope at some point, and wife and mother.
Q. What are you doing right now? Filling this out and listening to Eels.
Q. What's that smell? the smell of my hair straightener heating up. It's oddly pleasant, this burning smell.
Name 3 habits u have:
1) being sad/worrying
2) procrastinating
3) caring (often times, too much)
Name four scents you love:
1) Love Spell (Victoria's Secret)
2) Tango Mango (H2O)
3) Coconut Lime (Bath and Body Works)
4) Rain and the wet asphalt (nature)
Name something you'd never wear:
1) don't know...a two-way...?
Name 3 animals you like:
1) cats
2) puppies
3) ferrets (I really want one)
Name four television shows you love:
1) Alias
2) I liked Friends.
3) Gilmore Girls
4) Charmed...or Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Name 4 bands/genres that most of the mainstream don't know about:
1) Mirari
2) Mingo Fishtrap
3) Bright Eyes/Elliott Smith
4) The Seatbelts
Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
1) Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi (because UNL is a pepsi campus : |)
2) water
3) lemonade or Ramune
Name a random fact about yourself: I love to walk through cemeteries.
Name a random fact about your family: We are very odd...um...We have a weird sense of humor. We have contests where we see who can best imitate my Grandma Betty's hacking. (I know, so mean)
Have you ever...
1)Fallen for your Best Friend? Yes
2)Made out with JUST a friend? no
3)Been rejected or heartbroken? yes, I think so.
4)Been in love? I don't know...I don't think so.
5)Been in lust? yeah, probably
6)Used someone? yes...not anymore.
7)Been used? Yes
8)Cheated on someone? no
9)Been cheated on? no
10)Done something you regret? too many things.
Who was the last person..
11)You touched? Yu, I think.
12)You talked to? My mom.
13)You hugged? Steven. lol
14)You instant messaged? Nichole IMed me last night...but I was watching a movie.
15)You yelled at? Jenny, probably. I also got mad at my mom for wanting to paint my room
16)You laughed with? Ruby, Steven, and Yu.
17)You had a crush on? oy...that guy in the cafeteria who makes the philly cheesesteak sandwiches...he's so nice. But someone I actually know...? Kyri. eep!
18)Who broke your heart? my best friend.
Do you..
19)Colour your hair? I have before.
20)Have tattoos? No.
21)Have Piercings? My ears, just once.
22)Own a web cam? yes, it's wondermous.
23)Have aol? I have AIM. and iChat.
24)What should you be doing right now? doing homework, being social.
25)What are you listening to? nothing anymore. About to listen to Alana Davis, though.
27)Chicken or fish? chicken!!!
28)Do you have a favorite animal? kitties! I think that fits well.
29)Is ice cream the best thing in the world? Well, as far as food...soo good!
Everyone is happy it seems like. This just makes me feel worse. I'm indignant. I want so much to feel happy for them, but I am only angry and bitter. And I keep wondering why I can't be happy? I look at all the pain and suffering around the world, and I feel better. But I don't think it's because it makes me grateful for what I do have. I think it's because misery loves company. I think it's because I like knowing that other people feel the same as me. And that some people are worse off than me. Isn't that just a little bit demented?
Yesterday, Steven analyzed Ruby's and my personalities at our request. He said that I am very insecure. I agreed. I think this fairly obvious. He said that I don't like myself. I agreed. I don't like myself; sometimes I do, but mostly I don't. He said that I want to change these things about myself but that I am too afraid or that I think it's too hard, so I just make excuses for myself. He says that I try to justify these inequalities and kind of make excuses for the way I am. This is true. So I agreed. He says that I like to be weird because it makes me different and that I choose to display these oddities about myself. He thinks that it's sad because I am not comfortable with just being myself. Because myself is not just some weird person. I may have weird tendencies, and weird aspects to my personality, but I am not weird as a whole. That is not me. But I try to make it me. Maybe so. But I don't force myself to like things just because they are weird. I may choose to play out my weirder aspects, but at least I actually DO like these odd things. I also like normal things. I don't think I emphasize my weirder aspects as much as he thinks. He only sees one side of me. He told me that someone complains that I am needy and always wanting attention. But who does not want attention? Am I needy? Really? Probably. But I try not to be. And in my defense, you are just as needy as I. It's just that now, you get attention from someone else, and you don't need me to pay attention to you anymore. I may be needy. I am certain that I am. Why else would I run back to so many people time and time again, when they have scarred me? Why else am I so willing to forgive blows that are so low and denigrate me so much? Shlen told me once that I like feeling persecuted. He says that I welcome the hurt. I think it's true. I think that somehow, feeling so persecuted justifies this flaw in my being. Steven also said that I am very caring. So that's three people that say my most evident quality is caring. Good. This means that, on some level, I am letting the world know how much I hate apathy. How I'd like to tear it down.
I wonder if one of the guys from Weezer did one of the voices in Rejected?
Byron, Miguel, and Jenny have all invited me to see Ghost in the Shell 2. I have to explain, everytime, that I have not seen the first one yet. I once started to watch it with my friend Jessica, I said, but we got distracted or something...She's my best friend. My one best friend, I think to myself, because I have thought I had come to the same point with other people before. But something always gets in the way. Golly, Jeremy's my other best friend. Though even that has seemed different lately. You don't tell me things anymore. You're starting to forget me... Somehow, I always felt sort of detached from G. Especially band trip. So many times she just spent reading or sleeping or doing homework all alone. I felt like she was avoiding me. I wasn't ready for these things. I wasn't ready to feel the same about this last time. The last time I would be in the condos walking around in the halls, up and down the elevators, watching TV and making macaroni and cheese and eating ice cream and...and it just wasn't right. Looking back, I wonder how could I have been so unprepared and so prepared at the same time? Everything came up so fast, and then it just passed by. Just like death, these life-changing events don't come with a big frightening crash, they're more sudden and unexpected, no matter how ready you think you are for them. I never realized until now how upset I am that I didn't get to see my friends those last few days. There was no goodbye, or just a swift one. I want to be missed. But goodbyes are not like the movies. There's no grand farewell, no bon voyage. I remember the day Becky moved away. Jessica and I were there, standing inside her empty house. A shallow hug and she was off. No matter how hard I tried to make it special, it just wasn't. The only time Becky ever hugged me for real was the last day of freshman year. Actually, after school was out that day, standing outside with Jessica's grand caravan, behind the jeep. I don't even remember why she hugged me, but I will always remember that. The vignettes of my life are a treasure to me. Jessica, I hope you stay my best friend. I don't want to lose these memories, and I already am. I'm just afraid things will be different when I get back. In fact, I think I know they will be. I think it's a very rare occasion when things can actually stay the same.
I am just tired of people changing. I feel like I don't know anyone at all. And it makes me wonder if I ever really knew them at all? Why do so many people change, while I stay exactly the same? ...And I don't want to change. I want you all to stay the same with me. Why did we ever have to leave eighth grade? The one time I felt completely secure...
I think that I don't hate hugs. I just hate the fake ones. Don't bother if you don't mean it.
I can't really think of much to say, what if I just keep writing? What if I let it just keep coming? What will come out? What will be written down in cold, harsh reality? Set in stone? I am only afraid that I will be alone and you won't let me be free to be myself. I would rather be lonely than lost. And you would make me lose myself. I don't want to lose myself. I just hope you're not expecting someone different and find yourself being let down. Or grieving for a lost dream. I don't want you to give up your ideals for me. I want to be that ideal from the start. I don't want to feel even that minor disappointment just before the happiness of change sets in. I should have told you from the start that I am whiney, dependent, lonely, often depressed, stubborn, angry, bitter, at times malicious, redundant, extremely insecure, and just...just ugly. I should tell you all that from the start. If you want to stay, I'll admire you all the more, or just think you're extremely foolish, or trying to prove a point.
Do you know... I have conversations with you a lot when I am alone. I talk to you about all the things that are going on in my life and I tell you how sad and lonely and bitter and angry I am. I tell you how apathetic you are. And all the while, I wonder why we even stay together, you and I. Because only our faults compliment each other. Doesn't that make all of this wrong? But then I tell you how grateful I am to know a person that can find that perfect pitch that brings tears to his eyes. That's the purest form of emotional phlebotomy I can ever know. And then I realize you're not apathetic at all.
I wonder if that's considered sacrilegious...?
In my life, I am learning so well the importance of time. How much we rely on it. So many moments in my life are left to time. So many things depend on time. But I don't want to wait for this wound to heal. Sometimes, there's just not enough time in the world for healing. And sometimes, that time comes too late. And so it's amazing when anything can endure time. Can remain constant, unchanging.
I don't like how everything takes time. It feels like I'm always waiting. And I'll never get there.
This is from forever ago.
And to add a bit of color,
I love this picture. The angle is perfect. And the color so vivid.
Right. So, my roomie is Ruby. She's really nice and funny and messy and a packrat. She has so much stuff, and more keeps coming all the time. Like today. Three boxes full to the brim with clothes, shoes, towels....so much! I don't really mind. From Ruby, I met Steven. Steven is extremely social and has Cowboy Bebop, which he burned for me. So happy! I also met Kyriakos. Kyriakos is a grad student from Greece studying Agricultural...something or other. He's only been in the US for two months! He makes me want to visit Greece. Although, I have always wanted to visit Greece. Oh, and watch more Guy Ritchie films. Specifically, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, which I have heard quite a bit about from quite a few people. And there's Jenny. Jenny was my only friend up here. As far as being someone I could count on, she'd still be it. Except now I feel like I'm not so sure about that. I feel like she only stuck with me because she didn't know anyone else. Now she does, and things are different. And don't you dare tell me that he's not some sort of replacement for me, Jenny, because he is. I mean come on, you don't even try to talk to me at all anymore. The only time I talk to you is when I initiate conversation. Why the hell is this always happening with me? The natural response is that it must be me, not anyone else. Well, I have asked so many times, just tell me what's wrong with me. And you don't. And I remain in the dark. Anyway. There are some pretty nice people in my classes, too. Ellie is pretty nice. She's from Omaha, I think she said. She went to a Catholic high school, but is Jewish. There's also Melody. Melody commutes here, 40 minutes back and forth everyday! She's pretty nice and likes DBZ. lol. And there’s John. John is Catholic. John is a film studies major. He is studying Japanese and lives in Selleck. He’s pretty nice. And Miguel. Miguel is also Catholic. Miguel likes anime. Miguel is nice, for the most part. Miguel has an awesome Gryffindor jacket that I want. And Zach. Zach also likes anime. Zach has a troubled past. Zach has a lovely smile. Zach is controversial. He likes anime. Especially Neon Genesis Evangelion. He likes Bright Eyes, too. Which is really cool. Zach is nice. But he gets angry quickly. He yelled at me for what I said about Minority Scholarships. And Jackie. Jackie is nice. I think she may have been a prep in high school. It is strange to talk to a prep. Lisa is an aspiring artist. I like her writings. I wish I could write again. : (
Thus far, my social college experiences have been a sort of mutual effort to just get through, to find a place and hope we’ll fit in there always. Anything to feel at home again.
So yeah. Today has been long and winding. I stayed up until 5 this morning writing my paper for rhetoric as argument, and had to wake up at 9 to go to class. That was fun. In class, we had the peer workshops again, and I made a preemptive apology to the whole group for the crap that is my paper. But Melody said she really liked it and Miguel said, and I quote, “I thought it kicked ass…” So cool! Miguel is an interesting person, yes. I can’t make up my mind about him. I must admit that I worship him for his kickass Gryffindor jacket. So cool!
For those of you interested in Tommy Lee for any strange reason, he's currently attending UNL as part of some reality show for NBC. I saw him and the rest of the Motley Crue in the cafeteria tonight. (well, now that it's 1:30, I guess it would be last night) It took them a good 30-40 minutes to set everything up, and it was pretty crowded. Strange enough, some guys in choir said he's going to be living two floors below them, in Harper. They said he's staying in room 226. This can't be so...that's Allen's room. I saw Allen in the cafeteria today with his friends. He didn't say Hi. I am irked. What's with people not saying hi lately?!
On Saturday, everybody on the NU Start Advisory Board is going to the Challenge Course for a good 3 or 4 hours. I really hope we don't have to pick each other up or anything like that. Eek! Everyone on the board is pretty nice, so far anyway.
People must not read my entries, I swear! OK, I asked this before, but since NO ONE answered me, I am working on a project, so what one word do you think describes me best? You should let me know, yo.
After prompting Jeremy,
"hmmm............one word...."
"caring"
"really?"
"ya"
"aw thanks jeremy"
"I probably care too much"
"no really, you never fail to try and offer me a pick me up when I'm down, to poke me when I was unhappy, to sit there and listen to me vent about pointless crap, you treated me like I mattered no matter what, like what I had to say was important, and that you actually wanted to hear what I had to say, even if it was stupid, wrong, or just me angrily yelling, you always seem to care"
...it's my favorite photograph by him. I don't know if it's because it was the first one of his I saw or if it's because it means so much to me as a person. It mirrors my ongoing journey to self-discovery. It offers insight, if not enlightenment. As if I walk this path over and over again, yet see myself in different ways at different times. In the lake, I see a reflection of myself. Myself as others see me. In the middle, there is no reflection. Perhaps I have become one with what others see me as, or I have become complete and I reflect only my true being to others. Even this one moment can reflect so many different meanings, how we are only ourselves as children, we somehow grow out of it and long for it so and finally achieve it in old age. No wonder so many of us long to be young again. So this picture, this path I tread is a timeline. The timeline of my life. The timeline of humanity...
I realize now I had some of the elements in the picture confused. Which effects how I wrote it...oh well.
"This is fairly interesting. According to studies done at some university, most girls are bisexual"
"Really? Are you? Or is that too personal a question?"
"Nah, not too personal. I don't think I am. I mean, I love my friends a lot. I would do almost anything for them. And I think my friends could break my heart. But I don't feel 'in love' with them; I don't feel romantic love for them or anything."
I wonder so many times about this sorrow. I wonder about the infinitesimal happiness deep beneath the surface. I know if I only try, I can push back all of the shadows and discover a flame burning brightly, indignantly. You can't get the better of me.
Glenny
Jenny
Joy
Jeremy
Josh
Shawn
This is ME.
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