"...she thinks you're the cat's meow..."
Things are going pretty swimmingly these days...for the most part. But I won't think about anything bad. Today was awesome. I met another anime enthusiast, and he's pretty cool, yes. Hmm...oh yes, the application deadline for desk clerk at Selleck has been extended to Friday...it was originally due like last Thursday I think! I might actually turn it in. A job for me?? Wow. I also got BOTH of my packages
and my check today! Yay money! I am excited about my new books,
Abraham and
Memoirs of a Geisha: a Novel. I ran across
Abraham some time ago. It looks to be fairly interesting, yes.
Check it out! I have been meaning to read
Memoirs of a Geisha for sometime now. In fact, since eighth grade! You've probably heard about
it or read it, for that matter. The cafeteria also had rice crispy treats again today. So awesome! And
Sixteen Candles was playing tonight on TV. So cool. Oh, and I got a nice long nap in. I can take on the world now! After I get some sleep. : ))
Funny...none of those things people do to de-stress work for me. I think I may have developed the worst ever mechanism for coping. I don't take a long shower and relax and let it go, I don't go running, I write and sometimes that relieves me...but only as a result of prolonged reflection...I feel relieved because after prolonged reflection, I feel a nagging obligation to write it out, to chronicle every downfall. I am only relieved of the nagging feeling. No, the only way I actually feel better is to pile it all on, all the sadness and all the pain I have felt in the past, and dwell in it. And eventually, I get sick of this and decide to do something about it. Most of the time, this is: a.)to write or b.)to sleep. Many times, this includes option a followed closely by option b. As I sleep, I am able to work through some things, and by morning-if I have gotten
enough sleep- I have gained some perspective. Of course, this perspective only lasts for the time it takes me to really wake up. While I am lying there, I am still in the clutches of slumber, and I just
know things aren't so bad... but the minute I get up, I lose this perspective. This results in my complete and utter lack of motivation to get up and start my day. Screw that, I am fine with lying around and wallowing in the warmth of the sheets and my thoughts. Sooner or later, my bed will get sick of me and force me out. Eventually.
I have a.)written something. Now, I am going to b.)sleep.
I feel like I am trapped here, eternally. I try so hard to break free, to break through these bonds. And gradually from cold, hard steel, they have become so very elastic. They are form-fitting, moving gracefully with me, following my every twist and turn. Sometimes I forget they are there, and those are the happiest days. But when I see others flying free, I remember this net, and I realize again how constricting it is. I do not give up because I hope that eventually they will break, having been stretched through and through. Not such a great victory as a clean cut, but I will take what I can get. I will throw them off and fly away.
I was not born with these bonds. I allowed them to form of their own accord, accepting my place in this world, among these people. I made my peace with this life, made a convenant that cannot so easily be taken back. But I have grown weary with this situation, and though the consequences are great and heavy, I am willing to take these on time and again for the hope of one day casting them off and finding a weightless existence. Even flying has its obstacles but for that one day of complete realization, when I hope to overcome my fear of heights, when I hope to overcome the heavy winds and the cloudy, stormy skies and fly without consequence.
Man, I have the worst headache. Gawdddd...
Spring Break is fast approaching, and I am not really ready. I mean, yes, I am ready to not have to go to class! But I am not ready to drive freaking 12 hours down to Texas. I am not ready to wash a jillion loads of laundry and pack everything. And I am not ready to worry about all the hw I reallly should be doing, but am putting off because it's effing Spring Break, and who does hw on Spring Break? This entry is proving to be very short...I can't seem to write anything because my headache is reallly getting to me now. Screw this.
Things are going all right, I suppose. I really can't complain about too much. Classes are fine and social life is...ok. I'm just having one of those bouts where I'm completely out of touch with life, and it's really getting to me. It's like having something change unexpectedly when it has always been the same ever since you've known it. Like finding out your father used to smoke like a chimney after so many years of not knowing it. I begin to wonder if it has really always been that way, and I just haven't ever noticed. I digress.
I have no idea how to say what I want to say. I never know how to say it. It just comes out some way or another and that's that. But it's never the complete thought. If I could...ever do that, I'd be complete maybe. Maybe I'd be complete for a little while.
heartbreak easy open melt sad open cry tear open flask metal cold hard sand in my shoes satisfy you try hard fail flail spread eagle open on the floor in the morning sunshine take a picture snap you snake look recognize smile happy love hope faith feel alone no more please feel alone no more please take god in and please tell god you can't take it anymore please hope please fulfill please child please child please be ageless please be judged no more because i can't take that hope that heart that failing task i can't take a heart about to break to burst to spin out and around and on and in and over and under and tolerate and hope and desperate and cry out and so desperate so vulnerable in your good graces don't reject don't send away don't say goodbye. don't be the end. again and again and again. lost friendship. lost possibilities.
I'm not even going to read that progression of thoughts. It stands no matter what it says.
I realize it's March already, but I don't wanna write this damned essay, so I'm wasting time instead.
It fits pretty well. Sadly.
I vowed to myself I'd go to bed earlier tonight. I am not surprised I am still awake. It's weird how things have been lately. I used to be so distracted I never noticed I was alone. Now I constantly feel the need for companionship. It's like a gaping hole in my world, and all the sand is falling through. Where's the catalyst to change this life I'm living?
After several months, I finally realized that the tea at Japan night was Barley tea. It's damned good. I bought some at O Asian the other day. Now I'm really considering buying myself a nice Yixing Clay tea set. It is said that after a prolonged period of time with at least occasional use, the pot will retain the scents and tastes of the teas you use, and eventually, you will be able to make tea by just pouring boiling water in the pot. That's awesome.
I recently obtained the soundtrack to the second Dirty Dancing movie. It is awesome! Especially since I didn't have to purchase said item. Wahoo!!
Anyway, if someone actually reads this besides me, I will be coming home for Spring Break, from the 12-19th, roughly. Let me know if you want to do anything. Jenny, my friend at UNL, will be coming with me. It's going to be awesome! Can't wait!
Anyway, I'm off to bed finally. 2:30 actually isn't too bad.
Random Blurge
And I'm dancing around in circles in the rain, and I'm no longer disappointed that I'm not the person I wanted to be with the sleek tennis shoes and the polished smile. I've forgotten the way it's supposed to be, the way it's supposed to look, as I'm caught up in the moment and the pure joy of being carefree.
I can't think of a clever way
to tell you the thoughts I'm thinking
I can't find the perfect thing to say
to give you the impression
that I'm so desperately trying to communicate.
I write this, and I think how silly it is
how linguistically challenged I am,
but at times like these, it's fine. Because...
I wonder if it matters that my best can't always be
what I've got so perfectly etched into my mind.
As a writer, I'm pretty well stuck. I can't write anything more of my experiences. I can't tell you I feel deeply enough about anything that really makes any sense. My convictions are silly little things that only contribute to the sound structure of my pride.
