I am feeling extremely useless right now. I am one pathetic person. I mean...ugh.
I have not read MT, and I really don't want to. I could care less. It is comparable with my ban against Twelve Monkeys; I simply refuse to partake of it.
I will never make things happen. I am just one face in a crowd, raising my voice with the hundreds of others as he stands on the soap box and preaches.
I am finally reading Slaughterhouse Five. I lied when I said I'd already read it; I haven't. I also haven't read all of The Illiad, or any of Beowulf. I am a slow reader; I am admitting it now. I hate people. I hate how they pressure me and say, "You are still reading that? Karla finished it in a day!" Yes, I am still reading it. Yes, I started it about four months ago. So shut up, stop your cruel taunting, you damned... God. I hate them sometimes, I really really hate them. I even hate Jessica sometimes. I hate her. She never thinks she's smart or anything, and she's better than me. Everyone is better than me. Karla finished it in a day. Allyson could finish it in a day. Allyson borrows my books and reads them all in a day, when it took me weeks to even get to the midpoint. I am pathetic. It was the whole group; now one person has discovered my facade, now she shows everybody. Now they know I'm stupid, and I'm just pretending. Now they know I'm no good at it, I'm no good at singing even. I thought I was good. I really really thought I was good. I should have known. My parents never thought I was good; my parents never encouraged me to try out for solos or anything. My parents know I'm not good enough, but they're too afraid of hurting my feelings to tell me. Don't worry mom and dad, I know it. I always know it, I always had that feeling of inadequacy. Sometimes, it's because I never try; I never try my hardest because I know, I just know I won't be good enough. I know I won't make the cut. The last time I tried my hardest, I failed the test. Three times. I failed it. I have always hated TAG since then. Always. I resent you. I hated when Allyson joined it. I thought I was better than her. I actually believed I was smarter than her, and she made it and I did not. Jessica went into TAG then, too. I hated her for it. Then she made the unkindest cut of all, not realizing it...she went into TAMS. And she talks about how she'll never get into any college, and I know if she has no chance, I have even less chance. So I have to keep believing she's good enough, I have to keep idolizing her because if she's not good enough, I'm worse. But I know she's good enough. I know she is. It's not kissing up, it's not trying to make up for something. It's the simple truth. Why do I keep writing these things? Why? No one reads them, no one. Not that I blame them because they are really pretty stupid. I am always bitching about something, and I am always feeling sorry for myself. And I am always being boring. There is no substance to my journal; I don't blame them.
I thought my nose was better; it isn't. It still hurts quite a bit at times. Like arthritis or something.
The reason I have been wanting to read Slaughterhouse Five these past three years...
People aren't suppose to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore. I've finished my war book now. The next one I write is going to be fun. This one is a failure, and had to be, since it was written by a pillar of salt.
Now having actually read through that part, I am really liking what precedes and follows this quote. So to make it more complete...
Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it is so human. So she was turned into a pillar of salt.
People aren't suppose to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore. I've finished my war book now. The next one I write is going to be fun. This one is a failure, and had to be, since it was written by a pillar of salt. It begins like this:
Listen:
Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time.
It ends like this:
Poo-tee-weet?
I have also learned all about different torture devices, and now know exactly what an Iron Maiden is. Fascinating, truly fascinating.
I was thinking today about how I might kind of enjoy studying Government this year. It's a strange thought, actually. I always used to think those things were extremely boring. Might I conceivably become a politician? Scary thought. Then again, I have a list of occupations as long or maybe even longer than Robert Fulghum's, and that's a long list.
The jazz band might need a singer this year. Either that or the singer didn't show up today. I was in Miears's office again during my off period, with Nichole, and they played that Norah Jones song. There was no singer! *Insanity*, I thought. But perhaps the person is just absent. We will see; if they announce tryouts or something, though, I think I might actually audition, since I have an off period seventh. That would be another good thing to put on my college application regarding leadership; leadership is one thing I lack much experience in. At least officially anyway. I think I have plenty of experience in it, but I doubt that matters much. I am thinking about writing in my essay about learning to follow before you can even begin to lead. Yes, I will incorporate my stellar following skills into a collaborative effort that just barely stems under the umbrella of leadership. Or I hope it works, anyway. Notre Dame! Accept me! On Sunday, I am planning on going to Corinthia's church with Landon, Melanie, Karla, and possibly Allyson. It is an all black church. : )) Then we plan on going to a Buddhist Temple, a Greek Orthodox church, and eventually, Jeanine's Mormon church. I still want to visit a Mosque and a Jewish Temple.
I am determined to be a good, diligent, dedicated student this year. Yes, sadly, it is the last year and I should have done it earlier, but at least I'm going to try at all. I very well intend to read all the chapters and finish all the worksheets and book-work and essays.
Because I promised G that it would be well known if she went through with it, I am announcing to the world, that she ate 10 donuts this morning. TEN. I was so proud. She even beat Tim! (Not that he was really trying; I heard he got up to 18 last year. EIGHTEEN. He's not trying, that's it.) We are going to record how many total she's eaten every pep rally day.
We played the fight song 5 times today during the game. Only 1 of them was for a score we made. We lost 23 to 6. Just as I predicted: we still suck majorly. And our band looked really really bad this week, too. I think that's probably because the rain kept coming, and we couldn't ever practice on the field. Rowlett is spoiled; they have turf instead of grass. I think they actually get to use the stadium, too. But they play the same songs over and over and over again. They must get really sick of them by the time marching season is over, which is a long long while. Man, I am zoning out now; I must be tired! 5!
I am brilliant. I compared our group's thinking to Bloom's Taxonomy. We are in Level 3 right now. We are beyond absorption and questioning the obvious. Now we're into looking at all the small details. It's always more fun that way. But the whole point is that I'm brilliant, and that's all that matters. I don't even know what I'm writing half the time because my brain starts falling asleep mid-sentence. *Insanity!* I am a multi-tasker! YAY! I am so pleased.
I am not liking that they let out all these emergency recordings from 9/11. I don't like it at all; now all the transcripts are all typed up and on the internet and people can just open them up now and read them. I'd think that'd be kind of traumatic. I can't read them. I don't want to read them; it's too much like a story, I can sometimes forget to tell the difference.
Gavin is a lovely name, too. I hope I have a kid to name Gavin. That'd be really nice.
McGill has a girlfriend now, and she has a daughter. Something freaky/awkward is going on here, and I don't like it one bit.
His wife died in childbirth and he became so bitter that he cursed the gods and disowned the newborn child. He carried his wife with him to do his mourning, and made for her the most beautiful violin he could never before have made. With the varnish, he added in her sweet blood and painted The Red Violin. It is still blood-stained and plays so beautifully it's eerie.
In other recent news, my mother finally got me a new alarm clock! It is very neat, but is really bright. And also, Landon is in my AP English IV class! Amazing; I haven't had a class with him since 3rd grade, with Mrs. Reeves!
School started today, obviously. I have three girl teachers and McGill on A-Day, and I have a girl and a guy teacher and McGill tomorrow. Jones made me second chair; wahoo! I am satisfied for now, anyway. We will see if I stay there since McGill doesn't like me. It'd better rain tomorrow like it did today during afternoon practice or I will be very annoyed. Still have to give Douglas and Jeremy their CD's. The cases I made for them are very neato, if I may say so myself.
And Josh was our cashier at Kroger's today. He was very nice. Cable is in my AP Psychology class, too. Insane, ya know. It would have been nice if this had happened about...3 years ago when I liked him, and when I didn't know that he's kind of a jerk. Though I'm trying hard to not judge, since I don't really know the guy. I am keeping an open mind for the guy; maybe he will change my mind. Anyway, whatever. Maybe he will realize I'm not a complete idiot. Wahoo! Ah, the pains of being misunderstood...my irrational fear, even though I put it euphemistically on that survey.
I am one of two girls and one of two seniors in my computer science class. Amazing. It is a haven for the recluse children of our school. Kind of want to switch it out for the seventh period computer science class, but whatever. Then, I wouldn't get my work done like I would with a seventh period early release. Eh. I have to restart the computer now, after updating to Java 1.4.1.
Good-day sunlight/I'd like to say how truly bright you are/you don't know me but I know you/you're my favorite star
Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
"Itchy?" LOL.
And she broke down, and I broke down, cause I was tired of lying...
My father is making espresso; all is right with the world. I think I'm becoming obsessed with Gavin DeGraw. He is one beautiful man. And his music is really quite grand. He looks very lovely in a little ski cap, too. Yayay! Too bad he's 26. Still, I swoon. Damn, and he doesn't even have an accent. His mojo must be very powerful.
So last night Allyson called me up to say that they wouldn't be able to carry out Operation PoPo because she couldn't send the file to Melanie; she hadn't compressed the file! What a lame reason to cancel this long-awaited action. I mean, a year and several months wasted! Really... Well, I let this be known to her. So I ended up doing all of it myself and sending it to Melanie; I was not going to let her stupid computer ruin it. The DI team has carried out the mission. Ally asked if I felt left out. I was like, only all the time! But whatever.
I am so sad. I haven't laughed this much in so long. Over an ass I created for ass wars. So sad. \___/\___/
School starts tomorrow. I wish I was a hippie; I'd so boycott school. I'd be one of those fakey hippies, only in it for the high I get off boycotts. Am I do get a high off boycotts! Who doesn't? Yeah man! Uh.
Last night, I went to The Door with Daniel and G. G is being very generous lately; she bought me this cotton candy cloud-flavored lipgloss and a neato contacts kit yesterday. She says that I talk about cotton candy ice cream a significant amount of the time. She called me at 9:30 AM today! 9:30! HA! I'm sleeping, woman. Her off-period is 8th... ): I sad. Mine is 7th. But whatever. Her dad thinks I'm a smart-ass; I wonder why...? Probably because I was complaining about my computer and talking all smart and everything. Egh. He said euphemistically, "Well, if you think you know enough about it, why don't you fix it yourself?" Ah. That was a slight indication of his opinion of me. Yay! Now two people think I'm no good! I'm such a delinquent. I am still in the process of making G her CD. I have put it off too long, but now I think I have a sufficient amount of songs to put on there.
Mirari met their goal and surpassed it last night; they can get onto the mainstage now! Yay. They were all very thankful. Rachel even got my screen name to thank me for coming, and we ended up talking about band and school and crap for a while. She's pretty interesting, but I sort of already knew that.
I really like Ben Harper; I mean, I liked him before, but now that I've downloaded a ton of his songs, I still like him, and that's a rare feat. This mix I made for G will own her, it's so great. Maybe I will write that on the CD when I finally burn it. My mother is still on the other computer, so I can't get on and burn it. ): I still haven't read any since I was on here last, and that's not good. I really need to read my books. Oh well.
This morning, my parents woke us up at 9:40 for a family breakfast. Everyone was here except my brother and my sister-in-law. This is a seldom occurrence. They had made us blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, orange and grape juice, and coffee, which we were to drink from our very nice German china. We never get around to using our German china set, except at Christmas. But it makes any coffee taste darn good. He really over-reacted and everything. Does he feel guilty? Is there some reason for him to feel guilty, for her to blame him when things go wrong? She gave him a reproachful look, and he yelled so loudly about it like she'd committed some unforgivable sin. We left him there alone at the table, eating away at his eggs, his pancakes, his conscience. Then he up and left; no hint of where he was going, when he'd be back. Just, "I'm busy." He's still not back yet and it's been 7 hours. Whatever. Things always split us up; don't cry about it. I really have to read now.
I forgot about this for quite a long while. If Love is a Red Dress is a choice song, and I didn't even know it. I judged it by it's title; how prejudiced I am.
We played Laser Tag today for Landon's birthday. It was an interesting time; amusing, and more fun than most of my time. I gave him back his hair from when I was 16. I will steal it back when he's not looking, though. He'd better not throw it away or I will become homicidal again. Van Diemen's Land is a good song, too, damn it! I've been missing out! Eh. The first game Glenny was Aphex and I was Twin. The second game, Glenny was Loki.1 and I was Loki.2. That bitch stole my name; I was supposed to be Loki.1! But I beat her anyway. She was dead last! Hehe. She was #24, and I was #22. Sad but true. I did better the first game, but whatever. Landon kept shooting me, the ho! We were supposed to form a fortress but he wouldn't cooperate! I did much better the first game. I was only #10 then. Whatever.
I suck at DDR.
In other developments that somewhat relate to Landon's party, my parents let me drive there. It's in Mesquite! Yay! I was pleased, and the drive was smooth and seamless. So there Mutti und Vatti! Ha!
I still need to read the next 20-some chapters of The Illiad. I have only just finished chapter 10. After that, I have to read Beowulf and then Slaughterhouse Five, which I have wanted to read ever since that biblical allusions project in ninth grade. I never got around to it until now. I am pleased.
I definitely have Psychology with Josh Miller. Yay. At least I will know SOMEone. And Josh is cool anyway. And Nichole and Ilyssa are in my Precal class, so yay! And I know people in band, so yay. Now I just must worry about English, Computer Science, and Government. Oh, and lunch and my off period. Most likely, I will hang out in the library or cafeteria doing my homework. I will never do it the night before unless it is a project because I'm lazy and would much rather hang with my computer. Down time, just me and my computer. I need to get more from Inva Mullo Tchako. I love that Fifth Element song. That is the greatest.
I am telling Becky's roommate Michelle all our stories and embarrassing her, and it is great fun! And she will poke her for us! She will torture her for us! I am pleased.
Closing tonight with Rufus Wainwright and Hallelujah... Bis dann.
I am pleased.
Also, the cat isn't so perfect after all; it's just annoying. I sense that cats are only nice to you when they want something, for instance to be kept. Yes, the cat was nice to me so I wouldn't throw it out on its ass. What a trickster. Son of a gun. I used to hate that phrase. It still slightly disturbs me.
Gotta clean. Yes, I'm volunteering. What has happened here? Zooboomafoo!
It should have happened by now anyhow. (How I rhyme!) I'm a senior after all, it's about time. (I did it again! In the name of all that is holy!)
She'll tell you she's an orphan after you meet her family
There's a cat's been here since late last night. Or maybe even earlier. It just sits out there all day and meows at us as we walk by the french doors. It's got one green eye and one blue eye and white fur with a black tail, black forehead and between its ears, and other sparse spots of black. It's long-haired I think, and it's soft and fluffy. It's the perfect cat. The perfect cat for me. I love my three other cats but...to make a really dumb analogy...oppose your friends with that "significant other." It's very nice and it likes to be pet and it does that thing where it follows you as you walk. It will also jump in your lap if you are sitting down and just lounge there. It's not very old either. I really want it. But of course we can't have four cats. And so, we must give it away; besides I am sure someone is probably missing it. It has a flea collar on and everything. We put a sign out and we're going to make flyers and put them in people's mailboxes tomorrow or soon anyway. Eh. You might say we are going to too much trouble to get it back to its owner, but it's a very nice cat. If I had lost it, I would definitely want it back. Besides, there is not much else to do. For some reason, I am reminded of Dave Eggers when I think about this. Don't know why.
I got my schedule today and that sucked because I have no classes with ANYone...I mean really, what am I going to do all year? I'd better not have any with Megan or I'm going to kill someone. Her if I can manage it.
Uh.
Let's think of some seemingly random analogy for how I feel right now and always...something caged and alone. No, not just alone! Caged.
I want me a piccolo. Neither of my sales on Ebay have been bidded on. I am a might annoyed. Uh. We get our schedules tomorrow, and we don't have band tomorrow or the next day. Yay. Operation PoPo is nearing the end of its course, and I will be relieved when it is through. Oh please, oh please let it work! Hehehe. There had better be a plethora of complaints from the sophomores. Yayay! I cannot tell if John is ignoring me or is away. He is not talking, but his status hasn't changed to idle yet, either. I need to call Jessica. I was going to call her yesterday, but I was sorta sick. Eh. The line is busy. The alarm didn't go off again this morning. I know it was set and turned on, but it didn't go off. Damn thing is a pain in the ass.
I was thinking about quitting piano; I never practice anymore. I have lessons tonight and I'm really dreading it because I haven't been to lessons all summer. Come Wednesday of next week, I'm going to be in band rehearsal whilst I am expected at piano lessons. It cannot be helped; Mr. Frerichs promised the same spot I had last year, and he up and changed his mind about it so I can do little to help it. It is his fault. We will see how things turn out. I think it wouldn't be all that different if I quit piano lessons, except I would play an hour less than I do now. So basically, I would never play at all because as it is, I only play an hour a week.
Merrari is playing at The Door on Saturday in Deep Ellum and I am supposed to go. They need every last person they can get to come, and I also really want to go. We will see, since my parents are psycho about the whole driving thing. Yes, STILL. It didn't help that they just had a report on the news about crime in Deep Ellum. Because of course they would decide to do a report on that when I'm planning to attend a concert there.
McGill is an ass. I won't elaborate, I promise.
I am feeling pretty helpless with this whole situation. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't have any experience in that area at all.
Speaking of that crappy movie...Weird, I was watching it with G and Daniel and Jeremy at Daniel's house on Monday, and this lady was misinformed about the man in the elevator behind her; she thought he was going to kill her. She knew it was him because he was the man with the prosthetic limbs. One of the limbs in his basket got stuck in her hair, and when she tried to escape from the elevator as the doors opened, she couldn't get loose from him. The elevator doors closed on her and the elevator went up and down, up and down, her life teetering... The elevator eventually went all the way up and decapitated her. Right after she said, "I don't want to die...*blood splatters from detached mouth*." How graphic of me. I'm becoming more risk-ay. I so spelled that wrong or something. "How horrible, how awful," my mother says as she reads an article in the newspaper this morning while I'm dishing up my blueberry waffles. "A man was decapitated at a hospital the other night when the elevator doors pinned him by the shoulders. He couldn't get out fast enough."
My father says, "...Don't dawdle at the door." I wanted to reproach him for his use of alliteration regarding such a serious, surreal, and yet real topic.
Glenny
Jenny
Joy
Jeremy
Josh
Shawn
This is ME.
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