In My Room. Except not.
Jessica is in bed sleeping. Allyson is probably doing the same, or hanging out with her DI friends, as usual. G is with her dumb boyfriends; they should all just get married in a big, fat greek wedding. Weak wedding. Becky is in Mississippi with her boyfriend, for forever. My sister is at a club with her friends. My mom is in bed asleep. My dad is on the couch asleep. I am sitting in this room, grieving. I didn't need to be alone today; today. And a half-eaten DumDum thrown on the windshield of my car made me cry. I looked inside of it for a hidden message. You know, just in case. There was none. I should never count on people to be sympathetic, empathic, or thoughtful. I should never get my hopes up over being in the company of people I am comfortable with. It's not their fault that I was planning all this wonderful happy stuff in my head about this year's perfect, and last Halloween here.-I didn't remember to tell them about it, it turns out.-Like 6th grade, when we saw a scorpion in the hallway. It went into the laundry room and disapparated. We never saw it again, at least. Like 7th grade, when we went trick-or-treating and watched dumb horror flicks and fell asleep drugged on candy. Like 8th grade when we went trick-or-treating and played poker with the candy. Or 9th grade when...I was happy on Halloween in 9th grade; this much I know. Like 10th grade, when we went door to door gathering canned food for Keyclub and came back to Jessica's house, divided the candy, and made trades, and watched parts of Rocky Horror Picture Show. Like last year, when we were at Allyson's party. I shouldn't expect this to be routine; those were all mere coincidences. I haven't spent a Halloween without my best friend since I've known her. But is was coincidence. Things just seemed to fall into place. Damned University Interscholastic League. Damned standardized tests. Thank you, though. You've made such a generous donation to my creative thought store. It really is appreciated.
The Beach Boys soothe a tormented soul.
You can tell a person's nature by the path they make with silly string. Some day, I will explain that.
And why do I try so hard on so many things, and still suck so bad? Why does there ALWAYS have to be someone better than me? I must be that perfect in something. I think.
Sorry. Feeling pretty damn lazy.
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World of Darkness Quiz
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by David J Rust
So it goes.
I am a dreaming girl.
Yeah. So Glenny told me to get a weatherpixie thing, so voila.
While the mediator was rather uninspiring, we managed to have a considerably enlightening discussion in psychology today. So I suppose she served her purpose.
* Bucks
So. Bryan Cook, Stacy Cook's brother, poisoned me. I know he did it on purpose. I will never drink an Iced Grande Latte from Starbuck's again. You've ruined it for me, Bryan Cook.
I'm going to throw up soon. : ||
Er. Again.
As I was sitting on the park bench in the neighboorhood Walmart, drinking my 50-cent ICEE that is really supposed to be $1 or so, but was only 50 cents because of the honor system, I notice the cheap imitation Anne Geddes baby dolls piled on top of one another in the plush toys crane. They are dressed in Halloween costumes. And lo and behold...*what is this?* Could it be? It is! It is... Disturbing. There is a demon baby in there. A true satanic child. It's a baby doll dressed up like satan incarnate. I am enamored of this. A demon plush baby... A cheap imitation Anne Geddes baby doll dressed up in a red jumpsuit with wings and a tail and a staff. A red trident, to be exact. I am inspired. I vow to dress my child up like satan incarnate their first Halloween.
In other news. Our band did seemingly well, but we only made a 2. But this year, the judges are supposedly really hard. Because only 1 or maybe 2 bands got a 1. (As opposed to last year, when every single band in division 5A got a 1. Except of course, for us.) I thought we did farely well. I just wish I could count on them. I don't like having to just pray they're not going to goof off, when they could do so well. Because really, what a waste... Jeremy sat by me on the bus, which proved to be rather interesting. As always with Jeremy. But he completely IGNORED me on the way back. So phewy on him.
I am doing horribly in school. This is my solemn vow that I will from this point on, work my ass off and kick other ass with my newly-improved kick-ass grades I will be receiving for working my ass off. That should count for something, that I still care during my Senior year. : ((
Apish. : ))
Sometimes, I am much too impulsive for my own good, and only turn out looking like a complete idiot. I do so many stupid things. Oh well.
Jessica said I sounded apish. So true. Perhaps that was an intent of mine. An apish approach underlying my attitude towards the situation.
Oh. LOL. She meant AP-ish. Yay.
\\\\\\\\\PIECE OF SHIT//////////
I have little to say. Except... Why can't
I be clever? And apparently, I am
not self-actualized, because you have to completely except yourself. Nearly there. At least I know I'm not a piece of shit, or facading that I think I am.
(My "I'm really happy when..." essay ©2003)
I’m happy when I’m ok with being alone. The conditions are right on a cool fall day after UIL Marching Contest; give me an empty parking lot and a deserted school grounds and my car. Give me nostalgia; give me these, and for one moment at least, it feels possible for me to maintain that happiness forever. It’s something clean, something true. It’s pure. I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy; I only need myself. For that once every while I know I can make it on my own. I know I’m self-sufficient. And my fears are washed away, and all my hopes, all my dreams are secured. I know I won’t just be ok, I’ll be happy. In everything I hope and dream for, I’ve only ever wanted to be happy. I dream about what I think will make me happy.
But in my car and alone, I know I’ve got everything I’ll ever need; I’m not lacking. Because while I’m in my car I’m thinking about the present and the past, not the future; dreaming for the future means I don’t have everything I need now. Why should I think about my happiness in a time I cannot control, slowly losing grasp on the parts of time I can?
The more I dream about what could be, the more I forget to be happy now. In my car, nostalgic, I’m happy because my past was happy. What should happen to this one happy escape in the future when I look back only to see my head was always in the clouds?
In my car, I know the experience of living for now. I’m living my full potential, not merely seeing it so far from my grasp as it always seems. I’m not disappointed in the person that I am or thinking about how I’ll be better one day. Some day. A fateful day. I’m happy because for once, being alone feels all right. I feel like a whole person: all the pieces of the puzzle firmly in place. I’m not missing a piece of myself. I’m not lacking. I’m the person I was always meant to be; I’m someone I know.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm fascinates me.
Indifference is Ignorance
I am slightly amus-ed. Your topics have served some purpose. See...? What do guys say to insult anonymous girls...? It's not as if I give a flying fig that I am "dickless." I find it only rather amusing. Then again, we all have sick and twisted humor.
I am fixated. This dilemma, it is surely driving me insane. Relief. I thought I had strayed from myself for a moment there.
I just want to be friends is the worst thing to say. I must find another way.
Why do I wish for too much?
Yes, it is true, I do not know you. And so...how could you possibly know me, either? An eye for an eye is your stratagem. But I thought I was rather eloquent. And who says you will even care? That's the worst kind sometimes. They don't care at all; there's no reaction. I am sure if I ever figured it out, I'd find numbness a rather simple thing to keep.
Indifference is ignorance.
Horrid. Please, please, please, please, please don't like me... I don't want to be like Allyson... Horrid. But at least people said I looked nice. At least 5 people; and only 2 were girls. Wahoo. Imagine my surprise... They didn't know I could do my own make-up. Just because I don't doesn't mean I can't! Too much. I almost wish I had never wanted it. Gavin DeGraw is beautiful. I am an official Streetsteam member now. : ))
A-ch Yew A-ch?
So yeah. Nichole ended up making the mums all by herself in one night. I felt sorta left out, but mostly I am just glad they are done with. And then there was the Homecoming parade and the game. Oddly, we won the game. But our marching was kind of sucky; I am disappointed in the band. We could have done way better. I have about....29582091830948271 solos in band now. : | I am iffy on this; I wanted a solo, but freaking gosh, there are 29582091830948271 of them now! Well, I feel superior, at least. I always have to tell Ashton-the FIRST freaking chair-how to play the rhythm. Excited. We get to do something neato for Halloween. Wahoo! We are going to play the theme from Batman, Monster Mash, and Ghostbusters. I want to download Monster Mash now. And the Dandy Warhols, and something else....I want to listen to Shake Ya Ass. I want to meet Gavin DeGraw. I want to drive my car, damn it. Reminds me again, like I wasn't already thinking about it, stressing about it. I want to drive to the dance! I don't want to go with Douglas's parents! I am a Senior, I want to drive...: (( But my dress is freaking neatoness. And my mum was superior to all other mums. The ETS messed up on the test today. COME ON SAT ADMINS. Idiots, I mean
really.
So I have my cold back again.
Ashl3y
That damned movie has ruined it for me. I used to love the expression "Jeepers." Stupid damned movie. I also really would like to dispose of that damned narrator of that trailer.
I mispelled sleeve. It's sleeve, yes....not sleave. Annoyed because Nichole never called about doing the flute mums. Piece of crap, there is no time! : ||
1,000 Thoughts Pocketed in My Sleave
Why, it's only 10:30. Sometimes, I over-analyze these things. I just keep thinking maybe there really is a reason behind my excessive computer use. Like it fulfills some inadequacy in me. I wanted to make another haiku from that line. Just because it's convenient. Not because it's worthy. Except I think it might could perhaps possibly be worthy. Like it fulfills some inadequacy in me. Pulled out of context like that. Like all these moments of my life being witnessed without any background, for lack of a better word, context. I am so crummy sometimes. Like living in Oceania. Because I have recently been rereading that book. With Oceania in it, I mean. Of course you know what I mean. We have all read
1984 once in our lives. If not more. My sister didn't even know what
Big Brother was; she didn't even know about that dimwitted show they have on CBS. She didn't know about
1984 at all. I was getting fast annoyed with her. Silly reasons, I know. Why
do I use this computer instead of the brand new one in my room? Is it because maybe I feel somehow more alone and secluded, so damned isolated in my room? Maybe. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to walk to my room, because this computer is
right here. And no chance of being left out. I am dumbfounded at this strange near-randomnity and the fact that I can carry on so long about this less-than-mediocre way I'm currently in. Oh. It wasn't really that bad, I guess. I'm just waiting for the clock to roll around to bed time so I can fall asleep when my head hits the pillow; I think I might be afraid of what my thoughts would lead me to if I had to lie awake in bed. Like this feeling I'm beginning to get...It's like...God. I understand her now. Like, not only vulnerable, but the effects of being vulnerable and taken advantage of. Like being completely and utterly vulnerable, being taken advantage of, and being so completely embarrassed. I wish I could make it go away. And nothing has even happened yet. Except it sort of has. I just hope...I know I wanted this for so long. What's going on? It's not what I expected, but I never expected it to be anything I expected, but I'm still surprised and...I have Matt beat. I have to finish
1984 by tomorrow and I haven't read
ANY of it yet. Unless you count absent-mindedly skimming through the first...five pages. God. Sometimes, I sort of wish I could fathom my feelings, feelings that could be turned into something tangible. And I could write them down, and they wouldn't embarrass me, revealing all my weakness, just make me stronger. Just make me proud. Just make me respect something about them. Something about me. And I would make them accept me.
Why do so many people abandon me? My only great friend left here is no longer a friend at all. And never really was, it turns out. Why do you hate me so? Why do you always make me feel so unwanted? Why do you always tell me about things I wasn't there for-not because I didn't want to be there, for I wanted to be there so badly, but because I wasn't invited? Why do you do this to me? It's torture, you know. And I'm trying hard now to make up my mind not to stand for it.
No real acceptance.
Ellipsis
Wow. Hm. In my last entry, I refer to a certain DG... I just realized that Douglas's initials are DG...(well, actually, RDG) lol. Oops. He'd freak out if he read that. Oops. To specify, DG's first name is David. In case like...you know...I forget or something.
We had an away game tonight. Our band so owned Plano West's band. We have a marching contest in Mesquite tomorrow. (Technically, today...but it is 12:30AM) I think we might do pretty well; at least compared with last year's show we will. Yay. Our band got more applause than the Stingerettes tonight (amazing), and at least the same amount as Plano West's band. Wahoo! I think that we are one of those schools that other high schools play against and think, well, their football team sucks, but their band is pretty good. Yay!
I waited for no one.
This whole thing with losing my friends is really starting to get to me. I hate DI. But I guess it at least shows me the truth: that I never was really good friends with Allyson. My bad. In that aspect, we really are nothing alike. But I never really thought we were, in any way that actually matters.
Boys. Like Becky Says It Sheepishly. "BOYS!" : ) All in Good Fun.
We have to make our own flute mums for homecoming. It is going to cost me much time, but not as much money, thankfully. EACH little flute mum from the Spirit Shop is $8.95! Psycho! Who would pay for that?! That's ridiculous.
I was just thinking that forcing Rush Limbaugh into resigning from his position at ESPN is, simply put, asinine. Even Irvan got it right; why hire the man for his strong statements if you're just going to get mad the first time he makes one? Retarded. And anyway, his statement was NOT racist. He was simply saying that the media's frenzy over the quarterback being black is becoming a little bit overexerted. Like for some reason, black people are the underdog? I suppose I can understand that they want him to do well since there never have been many black quarterbacks until lately. Why is obvious. But if the guy simply isn't very good, they shouldn't try to play him up; stupid, stupid, stupid. So, because I agree with this, am I racist? I, at least, should think NOT.
I am pretty irked that they are playing Gavin's song for the One Tree Hill ads on the WB. RRR. But I think it is cool that they played Fountains of Wayne in last week's episode of Gilmore Girls. I wish I were witty and all like Rory. Or Rori? Eh. And I wish I could get into Yale. HA!
So I was thinking that I always have these like....half-way guy friends...They're not like serious or flirty or anything...We just get on each other's nerves a whole heck of a lot...Like...Jokingly I guess. We like to see the other's reaction. But none actually like me; they just want to joke around with me. RR. I end up liking some of them, and the others I just find annoying. Like..I am settling? Awful of me to say. I'm not settling exactly...more like settling for a relationship that won't work because we're incompatible. But they're not less of a person or anything. Yes, that sounds more like what I actually meant. Anyway. I like this guy in band sorta...lol. I am really boy crazy sometimes, and it drives me insane. But he's pretty nice, and I dunno...He has a good sense of self-worth. Not too self-conscientious, not too humble, just truthful. Like I like it. Plus he's tall, and he actually looks ok with a buzz cutt. Ooh la la. And oddly enough, he just came up to me one day and started talking to me, and for some reason decided I was his friend. Normally, I would find this presumption rather...well, presumptuous, but I actually kind of like it in this case. Strange, I know. He looked like he felt sincerely awful because I knew his name, and he did not know mine. Lol. I am observant, it is what I pride myself on. Plus, I've admired his good nature since last year. There's also this sophomore in my computer science class who has really pretty black-ish eyes...Lol. He'd be afraid of me if he ever actually noticed me staring at him. And then there's staring buddy, who is actually my age. Or something close to it. DG and SA (Look, I've resorted to using initials like a foolish school girl!) are both sophomores. I know how Jessica felt about Cannon but more amplified; they are TWO years younger than me. Weird. But DG is much more mature for his sophomoreness. And I think SA. Except I haven't really talked to SA that much. Anyway. I'm a dork. But it's weird how all my friendships with guys are the same. Except one or two, but I wouldn't say they were good friends. They are just sorta...more acquainted with me. Yeah, if that makes sense. I <3 Jesus, by the way.
<3 DG?? MR?? AGHHHHHHHH!!!
