Reprieve...
I'm looking for signs of life. Reaching out, struggling to make ties. I have come to the realization that the holidays are not a happy time for some people.
It's the after-holiday letdown.
Everyone left; alone again. And everything is so busy. Even Christmas, which should never be busy. There's no time in the year left for appreciating...whatever it is you can appreciate.
Ate dinner with Debbie's family. Always interesting. I wish I could reach the comfortable part of the conversation-that which can only set in-from the start. It would make things so much easier.
I've felt alone so long. Where's my reprieve? This stand I've taken for independence is merely a defense mechanism. Why do I yearn for dependence so? Why this need to entrust myself so fully to another?
Realization. Boredom borders on danger. Aspects of pessimism, apathy, and depression soon set in. When I bored, I am stressed. I am stressed, trying to fill this void with happiness, and forget my many obligations. It only gets worse.
Peppermint
It hasn't felt like Christmas in so long. The feeling I used to get is just so very faint now. I miss the anxious, excited feeling I used to get, and I miss feeling Christmas in the air.
We got Panther finally. Wahoo!
I am so... like...just existing
right....
i'm a little out of it tonight...hmmm...i need to go to walmart later
like. you know when people ask if you're doing well and you always just say sure? except maybe you're really not sure if you're happy or sad or....like either way you know
yeah
so you're just existing
i guess so
my mind wanders when left to its own devices
it's a dangerous thing
i know what you mean
hehe. This is pretty good:
Jackson's Transformation
LOL. "Mackerel Snapper."
I'm Sleeping In Some Day Soon
I am slightly pissed off. My e-mail is NOT working!! R.
Dreaming is still how the strong survive
So. Tuesday was my birthday. Wahoo. We had the band concert and then...I went to the Lord of the Rings:Return of the King opening show at AMC 30! : )) It was freaking awesome. So. Tomorrow is the last day of school before break gets out. I hope it flies by. An inventory of my gifts:
-Dansko Shoes
"Juliet" in Black
-Vanilla Bean Noel Lotion from Bath and Body Works
-Neat Slippers from Urban Outfitters that I wanted for a long time(but they don't fit! :|| )
-Underwear with bows on them from Victoria's Secret Comforts Section
-Fuschia Mascara from MAC Make-up
-A neato keychain with "A" on it from Nordstrom
-A pink scarf
-Neato spunky earrings
-the Jason Mraz CD, FINALLY
-The Lord of the Rings:The Two Towers Special Edition DVD Set (yay! : )) )
-Tickets to The Lord of the Rings:The Return of the King for the OPENING show
-A freaky doll from Aunt Kathy and Uncle Dick...
-$10 and a card from Grandpa Richard
-$25 and a card from Grandma Betty
-$20-Gift Certificate for iTunes
-A JBL Audio speaker system with SUBWOOFER for me computer!
It's called "Creature" : ))
I don't
think there was anything else...Yay! I am excited about my speakers! : )))
And about school being out after tomorrow, and getting donuts in the morning from McGill, EVEN THOUGH he was SUPPOSED to treat us to IHOP. :||
01. I feel very lonely, very often.
02. I'm pretty close to my mother.
03. I can be a neat freak.
04. I love falling leaves.
05. I love winter.
06. I love watching movies.
07. I like yellow roses.
08. I am insightful, which surprises me.
09. I can be very serious, when necessary.
10. I have very few friends, but I'm ok with that for the most part because they are good friends.
11. I am often scared about the future.
12. I love going out of state.
13. I have no job.
14. I like to read novels.
15. I grew up in a small-ish town.
16. I wonder sometimes if I will make the right decisions with my life.
17. I would like to become more cultured. It will make me thankful for the things I have here and now.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I should be doing my homework right now.
20. I like to watch the rain and think.
21. I love my cat(s).
22. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
23. I love to sing. I want to join an opera or something.
24. I learned how to type by using AIM excessively.
25. I think loyalty is super important.
26. I would like to visit Thailand one day.
27. I hate waking up early.
28. I become enamored of people I don't know.
29. I have fairly long hair.
30. I need to take some initiative.
31. I feel ok with crying if I'm driving.
32. I am boring.
33. I am single.
34. I love sweets.
35. I'm not very religious.
36. I think about the past way too often. It would be great if things were like they used to be.
37. I am disturbed by the fact that I can't remember anything from before I was...say...four?
38. I've never been surfing.
39. I haven't been snowboarding.
40. I can be really socially awkward.
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I really enjoy long, hot showers.
43. I had to do Accelerated Reader in elementary and middle school.
44. I'm a virgin : ))
45. I want to live in my own apartment.
46. I contradict myself often.
47. I like carrots.
48. People say I write well.
49. I will plan my day around what's on TV.
50. I do so many stupid things all the time.
51. I worry too much.
52. i miss my best friend.
53. I love to find money in my coat pockets.
54. I like to feel useful.
55. I am sarcastic.
56. I love my shoes.
57. I'm pretty darn self-conscious, but
I like myself.
58. I love dressing well.
59. I love hugs.
60. I want a cell phone that takes pictures just for the hell of it.
61. I think I have plenty of mean bones in my body.
62. I don't attend catholic school. (although my mother and father did)
63. I overreact about things sometimes.
64. I don't wear hats. But I'd like to.
65. I like to read because it helps me escape from my surroundings.
66. I love rainy days.
67. I keep getting the urge to shave my surprisingly hairy legs.
68. I hate most pictures of myself.
69. I should pay more attention to politics.
70. I rarely ever wear makeup. But I like to play around with it when I'm bored. It's like painting. Except you can erase it. Clean slate everytime.
71. I used to hate onions.
72. I am an optimist. For the most part.
73. I am drawn to intellect and humor.
74. I like listening to music before I go to sleep.
75. I hate when people do things just to look important.
76. I like food way too much.
77. I don't express my feelings.
78. I wish I had won the lotto.
79. People who can't spell piss me off.
80. I think I dance well, but i never dance in front of people.
81. I've never done cocaine.
82. I love salad.
83. I love European chocolates.
84. I can't remember most of my dreams. Except lately...
85. I like to draw.
86. Sometimes I think to myself, "Wow. People are really fucking stupid".
87. I wish I was pretty.
88. I want to be rich.
89. I like sleeping.
90. I want to be out of high school the majority of the time.
91. I haven't done a significant amount of exercise since 9th grade
92. I often think i'm fat.
93. I want to get in shape.
94. I love to laugh.
95. I haven't played in the snow in a while.
96. I would like to be able to see all my friends whenever I wanted.
97. I say "I want" to do a lot of things, and never do anything about any of them.
98. I'm jealous of my dog.
99. I abhor close minded people.
100. I vote yes on gay marriages and toothpaste.
101. I regard 8th grade as the best time I've ever had.
Weary
In Psychology, the biggest reason for stress is change. Damn change. Nothing's how it's supposed to be, and I'm unhappy. I'm not even the kind of unhappy with pieces of happiness in there. There's some humor there. But it's not happiness. It's just the saving grace. It's the Mercutio. Please don't die...Please. I'm still incomplete. I've made excuses for too long, and they're running thin now. So I await yet more change to bring me happiness.(how can the very thing that causes me pain ameliorate it?) But there will be a level of adjustment there. A long adjustment before I find happiness. Damned transitions, don't you understand the meaning of phrasing? Get it together; your symphony is so disconnected as to become emotionless. I've had too much of off-balance. "Disproportionate" has made me try to adjust, and I've become used to finding the beauty in the odd numbers. But it's so much work, and it's exhausting. I need something simple and beautiful and seamless right now. Please, can't you give it to me? All I want is you. I'm tired of sitting here, sea all around me. I'm not an island, and I don't want to be.
I don't even have any pictures to remember what it was like, that happiness. Slowly, I will forget all of it.
Long Decembers are Lovely
So on the way back from *Bucks tonight, I started playing with my turn signals because I like the sound they make. I was switching, left and right turn signals, *click, click* and then there was a car. I thought to myself, driving past them, that it might appear as a cry for help. What if they thought I was in trouble or something? What if, just
so coincidentally, I had spelled out "help" in morse code with the lights, and what if they
knew morse code?
Nah. Right, so, about three seconds after I passed them, the car turned around and started following me. Crap! I didn't want to look suspicious, but I also didn't want to stop and talk to them... My car found a sudden burst of energy. Lucky, they didn't catch up to me. *Phew* Close call. I hope they didn't get my license plate #, and I hope they're feeling too lazy to do anything about it.
Jeremy from *Bucks is NOT 22 or so. He is like...a lot older. That ass. What's sadder, now there's no excuse for him to be so idiotic all the time. He gave Jeremy 4 shots of espresso. That's about 123... that's like taking speed. Psycho. Poor Jeremy... : (( He shouldn't be so annoying to people who don't know him well enough to understand his annoying behavior. Anyway. I feel above Jeremy now. Jeremy Cook, that is. What an ass. I will tell him that next time I see him, too.
In other more relevant news, my birthday is Tuesday. We have the dumb high school band concert Tuesday. Piece of crap, I don't get a break. But, BUT, I am going to see Lord of the Rings:Return of the King on the 17th @ 12:01 AM @ AMC 30 w/ Jessica, Ilse, Christi, and Mike. YAYAY! The movie is 3.5 hours long! I won't get home till around 4 AM. Hehe. I have school that day, too. Oops. I had better not be disappointed because I am sacrificing a lot to see it. I am sacrificing sleep and money. The damned movie is $9.50! (at least at AMC 30, it is) That is freaking retarded. If it were possible, I would buy the tickets there. But there is no way there'd still be tickets left. I am going to have to show up about an hour early to get a good seat. PLEASE let the timing work out right! I really hope the concert doesn't last too long...I want my birthday meal! Egh. I think it will be worth it. At least I know the screen will be sufficient. Not like the crummy Rockwall ones. : ||
I got a $20 iTunes Store certificate from my brother and Debbie for my birthday. YAY! And I can vote and smoke(not that I will, cause UGH) and...be eligible for all sorts of drawings and test drive cars and drive rental cars. Yay!
Bye bye now.
I am allergic to the outdoors. And to Spring and Fall. You're blowing me gone; I'm sorry, I promise I will not bother you anymore. You're confusing me : || Conan is on.
...
I speak quite formally when in uncomfortable situations.
I am fake. YAY! In other news, poor Douglas. He's not even happy on his birthday. : (( And...My birthday is 6 days from now. Yay! (AND, a package from amazon.com came today! Possibly for me? Ooh shiny.)
mirarilovesyou.blogspot.com is quite empty. Kyle likes to repeat lettttttters. Anyway. I would like to go to the concert on Saturday, but I have one of my own to attend. Shame. Anyway. I feel the need to tell Kyle to add a comments thing to the site. It is really bothering me. I don't know why. Um. I think food is ready. I have two hangnails on one finger. One on each side of the fingernail. I like to fidget with them. Screwy, ain't it?
Randomnity. Did I already use that title?
*Cringe*
The temperature dropped rather significantly today. It was in the fifties. I like the fifties. But not the windy fifties. Today, as school got out, walking to my car, "windy fifties." The wind is beating the wreaths against the windows. *screech, screech* *cringe, cringe*
Computer science class urkes me lately. Kid leave me alone.
I wanted to kiss him. Like that Sarah McLachlan song. Damned hormonal impulses.
*thoughts go to "dr. thunder!" and jessica's talk about sex*
hehe
it's quite odd how i think about dr. thunder when i am bored
i will look at the ceiling and remember the dr. thunder commercial
awww....
lol
memories.....
and me in a sombrero
talking about religion
hehe
when we were supposed to be doing that dumb newspaper for honors reading
boston observer
lol
yeah!
those were the times
indeed they were
of course, though...they were all 8th grade
because that was the best year
except the sex talk thing....was that 7th grade?
8th grade was the bestest bestest best best year
lol
yuppity yup
i remember in 6th grade rolling on the ground in your house...we were playing some "steamroller" game or something, and trying to roll over each other
lol
lol
like...lol. we were lame
toga parties!
toga!
and isabella with no shirt on outside your parents window!
fake sangria!
kool-aid!
jessica playing cards in her underwear and *flash!* under the table when your brother walked in
sardines
murder spot
pool-table stripper dancing
lol
dallas at 3 am with the cocaine lady who let you in to exit!
lol
swings
square coffee pot
collin and aaron and mitch!
*sigh*
calling aaron and mitch
lol
lol
peek a boo!
snagglepuss!
stumpy!
lol
those were the times....
man. i forgot about a lot of things
collin is in my psych class and i was thinking about you saying pissed off in the gym
lolol
them going "ooh! she cussed!"
stupid aaron had to move away
aaron always asking if he was a sex machine....
lol
yeah
"got me? does your body good!"
hehe
aaron making collin a celebrity when that car crashed into his room....lol. "if he hadn't have been on his bed....!"
and them making documentaries for mrs. deane's class!
and the one-act play!
hehe
Mrs Deane!
lol
yeah
she's a memory all her own
water pouring, shoe throwing Mrs. Deane
the barbi song!
and the moose song!
rocky horror picture show!
(actually, it's playing on iTunes right now)
ooh
wow
fights with thin mints!
monopoly games
"I'm God, you're Adam!"
ihop after homecoming
lol
rachie with no pants on!
i am not a woman!
lol
burning the names of the guys we liked in the grill in arkansas....ponca, arkansas
rei drinking the blood from the rare steaks
ewwww..
lol
yeah
ewww
falling on our butts
lol
trying to put makeup on landon!
yayay!
jeanine's melodramatic birthday party!
plans to take a road trip after high school!
all those school dances.....
lol
really lame school dances
yearbook
oh yeah
making collages
mrs. dillard's picture made her look like she was smoking ...something.....
JEREMY!
who can forget jeremy?
i certainly can't
The sight of you makes me weak.
How can a Christian-a Christian of all people-argue that belief in mythical beings such as Elves is out of the question? lol.
Too Tired to Carry On, Voldemort
Well. I gave up two minutes before the UT Scholarships Application was due. There is no way to enter in another essay in just 2 minutes. I knew I was screwed, and claimed defeat. Whatever. I really don't want to go there anyway. But at least one good thing came out of it. I have a small list of the things I want to accomplish before I die:
1. Be more self-sufficient- perhaps start my own business
2. Live comfortably = a fair amount of the familiar + a twinge of spontaneity
3. I want to like my home- I don't want anything meaningless lying around
4.Travel the world-see beauty I never knew exists.
5.Stay productive as I age. No sitting around. No one can possibly enjoy that after long. Perhaps teach some college classes if I ever end up getting a PHD?
6. Leave a part of myself to future generations
Thumbing My Way Back to Heaven
wtf? I never use that but today I feel it appropriate. wtf? That is freaking awesome. I did not realize blogspot does selective advertising. They must have scanned my journal for words, and whence they came upon my mention of Dr. Zhivago, catered my site with banners advertising just this. Dr. Zhivago. Freaking awesome. Then again, I am easily amused. Today I asked chasdabigone if he was Chas Smith because it has been bothering me quite a bit lately. I was certain of it, but I had to ask to make sure. I have never talked to him before. He is supposedly funny. Anyway. Yes. Chasdabigone is he. He is chasdabigone. I just realized maybe he didn't want people to know what his sn is. Crap. Agh. I'm banking on him not caring. Hopefully that works.
Yesterday, I finished my online application to SLU and sent it in 12 minutes before it was due. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. Then I realized that no such expected relief had actually set in upon my person. I do not think it will until I have ALL of my apps turned in and all colleges have notified me of their decision. I probably won't be relieved until I receive the letter from Notre Dame. The very thin letter, I am betting. God, let them see my talent. Wherever it lay, may it be summoned for the writing of my Notre Dame essay. May it be worn almost nearly away by the time I am finished. And may it rise from the ashes all new and clean and way better than before. May my talent have gained experience and foresight and patience and all those valued virtues. Almost redundant, right? But you said redundancy was good, so there. Oh. And the UT apps for those to be considered for scholarships are due tomorrow. I am finished with everything but the essays. I have worked out about 1/3 of one of four of them, but I think it sucks. I have to work on it this time, because I need the scholarships. Otherwise, I'd cast it off; hey, I'm in the top 10%, I turn my nose up at you. Nearly finished, at least. And I think I might actually get around to selling enough candles for Friday. Yay! By the way, I tried to post this before, but the blogger server was down, so it didn't work. I put it on my deadjournal account, but just for the sake of redundancy and laziness, here it is again, to be referenced by myself at a later time: http://www.livejournal.com/~rain/
And may she never give up the name. Because that was all I ever wanted to be.
Oh. And, not to be arrogant, but I think sagacious is a fitting adjective for me. --- having or based on a profound knowledge and understanding of the world combined with intelligence and good judgment
