To be a giant. This has forever been our passion. This desire to be a giant. Not to stand on a giant’s shoulders. Or to have a giant for a friend. Though these may be fortunate things. But to be one. Not for the power, or for the money. Not for the sake of something like ego. For the sake, instead, of knowing what it feels like to be on a course of our own choosing. To step over barriers. To knock over walls. To find another way. To be a giant. To take giant steps. To move another inch.
I'm like...my own person or something!
Today I thought about going home. I thought about leaving this place and finding some university in Texas. I could probably get a scholarship from A&M. And I have friends there. I thought about how easy it would be to give up and go home. And yet, even surrounded by people that love me, I am afraid I will still feel like this. I wonder if I will always feel like this, and the thought makes me sadder than I can tell. So I move on. I think about how I can pick up and move away and never see so many people again that I used to see every day. I miss Jeremy and Nichole and G and Jessica. But it's like something Jeremy once told me...somehow, I am able to detach myself from everything. Because the past still exists within me. I only have to remember to keep it alive. And so I remember. Constantly. Is this healthy? Probably not. At the same time, I allow myself to get so caught up in the present and the future. I sometimes wonder what time I live in. I wonder if I am in all times at all times.
I talked to this guy in my dorm today about video games. He explained a lot about Final Fantasy to me, and invited me to come play sometime. I think I may actually get around to doing that.
I guess people don't like it when I try to explain myself. I should just stop doing that. I think I just piss them off. Granted, I have been a pretty selfish bitch lately. But I am going to try really hard not to be, I really am...
I need to get to know different kinds of people. I can only identify with one or two kinds, so I stick with them. I never get to know other kinds of people who might make me feel completely different about so many different things. It's like Byron said, known quantities are safer than unknowns.
I feel inexplicable anger and hurt when someone blocks me. It's just like...if you don't want to talk to me, you can just tell me so. I will leave you alone. Really, I will. You don't have to resort to blocking me. It's just so mean... Just a pet peeve. Look at me, trying to explain myself again. I am sure I've pissed you off yet again.
This is like...so funny:
Black People Love Us
It kinda really bugs me when people are so uptight and just plain uneducated and think it's racist. Kinda reminds me of that time I was in class and pissed everybody off talking about minority scholarships and how they're ok, but a "white heritage" scholarship is completely illegitimate for some reason.
I don't feel like revising my English paper, so I'm posting instead.
I felt like writing something happy or funny on here. I'm not in any particular mood today, which is better than depressed or angry. Thus far, my experiences in Nebraska have yielded one good friend, a really kind but somewhat messy roommate, a really talkative, social friend with ANIME!, another talkative, social friend with ANIME!, a class discussion in which I pissed several people off (yay, my first!), the realization that none of my interests are really in any way lucrative, the chance to sing again : )), satisfaction that I am indeed self-sufficient when I need to be, a crush-of course *sigh*, new awesome songs in my playlist, the full realization that I'm not brilliant!, actually rather ignorant, but at least sprightly-I am actually ok with this..., satisfaction that I am not too out of shape to walk everywhere I need to go, sufficient DDR skills! yes!, cafeteria food, and goals. So many things, really. This is a neutral entry, methinks.
Actually, the other day, Jenny and I were on our way to my car to go get some stuff at the store and this guy stopped us by the union to ask what time it was. He's like, "Oh, well, what are your names? Since I got the time, I was hoping to get your names..." I was going to keep walking, but Jenny was like, "Um, Jenny..." Anyway, he totally hit on us. He's like "so, are your boyfriends here, too?" lol. I was like, "No...unfortunately, he's back in Dallas.. : (" I am SO good at lying! Didn't even flinch. Then, he's like "Oh, I was just there last week, doing some stripping down there." LOL. A stripper hit on me! Of course, I think he was talking a bunch of shit. He didn't have the proper physique for a stripper, I daresay. Anyway...that was interesting. Kind of creepy.
I wonder which classes I should take next semester...? Suggestions...? Also, I am working on a project, so what one word do you think describes me best? You should let me know, yo. I made this the other day at like 2 in the morning:
I kind of forgot where I was going with this. Damn, the number of people connected to my playlist went back down to one. Before, it was two. Yeah bitches! Sorry. Tired....
I'm sick of feeling so inferior. Somehow, I always manage to choose friends that are so insecure about themselves that they make you feel like crap to achieve their own sense of well-being. They like having that feeling of power over you, like they can control you. But I am not your minion, and I am not your property. I am my own person, and I have feelings of my own. I'm not your fucking punching bag; don't take all of your anger and sadness and anxiety out on me just because it's convenient. Soon, I'll realize I'm a person again, and I'll walk away. You'll be grasping empty air. Oh wait. I think I already did that. Today. I have got to stop coming back for more just to avoid being alone. It's time for me to stop being so desperate for any sign of approval that comes my way. I'm tired of jumping through hoops just to meet your expectations. Don't try to change me to suit your whims. Being alone is better than being abused and taken for granted. You say you're sorry, but you continue to do it. You continue to criticize me and get impatient with me when I don't do what you want me to do. Don't shout at me and give me that look like I'm the dumbest person in the world just because I don't understand what you're saying. Don't boss me around and tell me to do this and that. I am tired of having to do this and that to maintain my good standing with you. I don't want to walk faster damn it, and I don't want to shut up. I don't want to be patient and remember time and again that it's not my fault you're snapping at me. I realize you're having a bad time here, but what do you think about me? I'm 600-some miles from my whole family and all of my friends. I'm practically alone here. You don't have to walk on eggshells around me, but it would be nice if you treated me with some common decency every now and then. No. Not just nice, necessary.
It's nice to know that at least one person misses me. I want all of my old friends back, I want that comfort back. Those 4 lines made me cry. Seriously. The fact that most of my friends haven't even bothered to call me or contact me at all is a little discouraging. G hasn't even made any attempts to talk to me. She got on AIM once, I think. When I tried to talk to her, she didn't say anything, and then she said she was going to go. Jeremy is the only other person who even still says anything to me occasionally. So thanks Nichole. :)
I really wonder why I need approval from others. I wonder why I must get my self-confidence from others. Right now I feel all the more weak than at any other time. I suppose it's because I'm still trying to establish a home here. Not that I've ever had many friends, but now it seems like I have the need for them. It's necessary.
I notice more and more how strange people are. Everybody is weird. Some just hide it better than others.
Today: sunny, warm, dismal. The campus grounds are much emptier and the streets of the city are likely much busier. Today, with the likelihood that I will be seeing Harry Potter for the third time. I am tired of living like a guest in this town, feeling like I don't belong. I am tired of walking on eggshells and tired of leaving my fate in the hands of others. I am tired of being at your mercy, and just praying you'll accept me. I'm not grown up at all. I must not be- I can't find the strength to live for myself.
Well, we were talking about integrating culture into our population. I said a good example of that is minority scholarships
I said that this girl at my school, who is like the only semi-smart hispanic girl in my high school got all these minority scholarships. (like $25,000)
I said that it's good, but that it's kind of sad because in my town (because we are primarily upper class whites) anyone white didn't have as good a chance for the local scholarships. Now this guy who's latino hates me and this other guy who's white was like "what, did she steal your money?"
Um, no....
I didn't mention the fact that she does pot and drives under the influence...
Then the teacher said there were plenty of scholarships not based on minority. I didn't think to say that minorities can try for those as well, and that they'll probably get more consideration. In my town, at least
now people hate me.
I know if they tried to introduce a scholarship exclusively for white middle class citizens, people would raise a ruckus over it.
I HATE when people talk over me and cut me short.
And the teacher sided with them! I bet people agreed with me and just didn't say anything because they saw me being massacred over it.
Most of them live in sheltered little towns in Nebraska and have never experienced things like that.
I mean it's a university. FREE THOUGHT! Hello! They are supposed to let me finish and maybe at least TRY to consider what I said... RRR.
I am alone. I always have been. My family and friends are a support system-and one I hold dear-but I am still alone. I have never felt the sunlight on my face, nor the thrill of first love. I have never had someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine, and make me believe it. I have never had a smile, a particular glint in one's eyes that only I could induce. I've never felt loved, needed, appreciated, believed in. I've never been kissed. I've never loved and hated someone so much, so desperately, so dearly. How ironic. How poetic. My worst fear is of being alone and yet I feel I am fated to be alone forever. I often wonder if I will turn out like my aunt. She must be so miserable, so lonely. I certainly am. I am 18. I have time. Life is short, though, and I can see it so clearly, passing me by without making a stop for just one moment. Always something else there, but never quite fulfilling. I want my turn. I think it's my turn. I'm not asking for some huge affair. I don't expect grandeur. I just want my piece, like everyone else. I want to forget once and for all this horrible feeling. I want to forget a hope that was so strong but has been spread so thin that it's not only feeble but now so corrupted. I don't want to give up on my hope, I want it to be fulfilled. I am tired, worn thin by a long, seemingly endless string of disappointments. I want to be pure again. I want to feel a deep sigh of contentment just wash over me. And start anew. Not this abysmal thread of being I'm existing in just now.
I have to write a 6- to 8-page paper to write for english. I am sure to write more in here later. : ))
Also, I was thinking that I should get into sociology. I'd really like to do research on class differences. Perhaps do something like Black Like Me, except it'd be like...Poor Like Me.
Glenny
Jenny
Joy
Jeremy
Josh
Shawn
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