Change
OK. After waiting for 5 hours in the Omaha airport, and then a 3-hour flight to Dallas, I am home. But it's not that great. In fact, I don't like it. It's depressing. I want to go back. I feel more alone than I did before. All my old friends are different. And maybe I'm different, too. I don't know. I know I don't
feel any different. But maybe I am. They're too busy. Everyone is too busy. And I am stranded here without my car. I can't even go visit them. I need my friends. I need to feel at home again. Why aren't they there? Today, while I was waiting in the airport, I called Jeremy. To tell him that I probably wouldn't see him because my flight was delayed for so FREAKING long. I talked to him for a while. It was the first time I actually felt something familiar. Something the same, after so much has changed. I need that. I need to feel grounded, even as I walk away from my old life.
It’s 5:40 PM and it’s already pitch dark outside. Before I even looked, I could feel it emanating through the blinds. Well, not quite. I could feel the nondescript nature of the darkness like an elephant in the room just waiting to be acknowledged. Looking outside my window I see a painting. The heavy sky and the house across the street are just brushstrokes on a flat canvas. Darkness has an encumbering quality that sunlight lacks. Darkness seeps into every crevice. But the sunlight is just a globe, stationary in the sky. It feels so late already.
I don't really have anything of much interest to profess today. I have class at 10:30 tomorrow, but I am still wide awake because I skipped my English class today and slept in until 4:30. That's right. 4:30. PM. I keep meaning to post my official schedule on here for next semester.
I am indeed taking EIGHTEEN hours!
7442 JOUR103 001 3.00 GR VISUAL&AURAL LIT I MORRIS P
MWF 0830AM 0920AM ANDN 15
5077 PHIL110 152 0.00 Quiz STAFF
F 1030AM 1120AM HENZ 109
3460 GERM102 002 5.00 BEGINNING GERMAN II STARKS G
MTWRF 1130AM 1220PM OLDH 203
3564 HIST100 002 3.00 WESTERN CIV TO 1715 LEE M
MWF 1230PM 0120PM BURN 115
5246 POLS100 003 3.00 POWER & POL IN AMER SMITH K
M 0130PM 0220PM 333 UMP
5075 PHIL110 150 3.00 LOGIC&CRITCL THINKNG CASULLO A
TR 0930AM 1020AM HAH 102
6490 MUDC241 001 1.00 GR ALL-COLLEGIATE CHOIR CURINGTON K
TR 0615PM 0725PM WMB 130
TOTAL: 18 Hours.
AWESOME!
I will die.
Um...I am going to bed. It's really freaking late now!
Track Shipping
Packages currently in the mail:
1.
amazon.com order
2.
sell.com order
3.
toothpastefordinner.com order
4.
urbanoutfitters.com order
I love getting packages!
I've just recently compiled a very extensive list of "mellow" songs to listen to when I'm in a melancholy mood. Which is like all the time. They're like the best songs. The songs aren't all necessarily depressing. On the surface. Some songs are slow and happy, like molasses, and remind me of happy times in my life. Happy times in my past. I was lying there, listening to the mix on my iPod, in bed, staring at the ceiling. And I thought of the day I got my headphones. It was the day of my graduation. It was just past midnight. My brother couldn't wait for me to open his and Debbie's present. He held that it was perfectly acceptable to open their present now, because it
was technically my graduation day. He was more excited than I was, I think. Like a little kid. It makes me smile when I think about it. I also thought about the time I got back the scores from my first AP tests. Finding out I had done really well. The first time in my life I ever laughed so loud and cried out with just overwhelming joy. Isn't that so sad? Because of AP scores. I used to wonder about tears of joy. Crying when you are happy? But now I understand. I cry because I am so happy, but I also cry because I am so infinitely sad. I know that this moment will pass and will soon become a memory, among many memories. When I think back on all of these happy times, I feel happy. So happy, I smile. But there's an aching feeling in my core, aching to relive those moments. Nostalgia. I hate nostalgia. And I love it. It's a rose drying up, losing its life with every passing moment. When I look back, it's still beautiful, but now it's dry, brittle. I can never return to those moments. As I thought about all the happy times, I just wanted to cry. I wanted to pile everything on until I was overwhelmed with happiness and sadness. The most beautiful thing--as I thought it, it played out in song...
"Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?"
"Aww, it's sad and happy at the same time!"
How much of my life fits into these words? Every sentence is packed with life, with memories, with things I've learned or am learning or will learn. What's the value of a 1000 words? Besides a picture?
Why is it that as we grow older, we become more accustomed to the bitter taste of reality? The best stories are the ones with sadness and a little bit of drama in them. The best drinks are bitter with just a taste of sweetness. Is it because we always want things to mirror our own lives? But I realize the importance of balance. The best stories nearly always turn out all right. Everyone overcomes the adversity and is all the better because of it. So give me a sad-happy kind of movie and a cold hard drink and I'm happy.
Uh...I am bored. I have a paper due Thursday and I haven't done anything for it yet. It's got to be almost 2000 words! Ah! I really hope I can BS a lot tomorrow when I'm working on it. Muses, smile down upon me. Also, I have officially changed my major. As of today, I am a Journalism News-Editorial Major. I plan to write articles, copy-edit, and also do editing for a publishing company, if possible. I am considering getting a job at the DN or at the Journalism or English Department here, helping people with their papers, etc. Good experience, yes? Um...anyway.
Dunno.
Sha Sha
I should be sleeping, or at least doing my homework, but I am going to post anyway. Cause...I feel like it. Tonight was Japan Night. (technically, last night) It was really fun, but really long, wow! They danced and did skits, but my favorite part was the taiko. Yay for taiko! It makes me wanna get a huge ass drum and some huge ass sticks and join a group. Awesome! I have seen taiko before, so it made me miss it : ( Anyway. I met a lot of people there; mostly friends of Ruby. On Saturday, we went to Twilight Seibei, a Japanese movie playing in the Sheldon auditorium. It was kind of long and I was really tired, but I liked it. Steven and Ruby fell asleep... But I didn't! After that, we went to help out at the NIMEC conference. We helped set up the tables and I served food. (More like just talked to people as they went through the line, and made sure they didn't drop the serving utensils.) I was in charge of the Greek section. Too bad Kyri wasn't there! The Teatatziki was really good. I met a bunch of people then, too. I sat by this guy named Xin Yi Wang, from Shanghai. He was really nice, and we talked quite a bit, actually. I also talked to Akeo and Chikako and Omar and some more of the Japanese kids. They were all really nice, and they all know my name, yay! We got a lot of food to take home, SO GOOD! And after that, we decided to go to Walmart. We went to find Kyri, but he wasn't there. : ( However, as we were walking to the car, we ran into him on his way back from a walk, so he decided to come with us. : ) I am glad, he seems a little happier at least. Things have been bad for him lately. And when my friends are sad, so am I. Whether I want to be or not. Really, things have been going pretty well for me I suppose. Ruby and Steven and maybe Kyri and Yu and Hiroki? and I are going to go to Omaha soon to visit the zoo and the Asian market and just hang around. I am sad, Yu and Hiroki and all of the Japanese kids are leaving in just over a month! : ( I am going to miss them. But maybe I will be able to go and visit them some time...?? That would be so cool! Who knows, I am planning on taking Japanese next fall with Steven. The first level class isn't available in the spring, and I wouldn't have room for it in my schedule anyway. And I already know the Japanese alphabet. Yu taught me! Yes...that would be really neat!
Hehe. Bryan likes Jewel. That's awesome! OK, I am going to bed now. Ciao!
Yeah guys, it's my blogger code.
B9 d- t- k+ s+ u-- f i+ o+ x e l+ c-
Ahoy
Well I don't really have much to say. Except that I tire of letting how others are feeling affect how I am feeling. I guess it can be good, though, too. At least I can sympathize--because I understand. Also, Grono, a friend of Nick's from Peru, left a comment in my journal:
you know, instead of spending so much time to come up with witty and original ways to say your sad, you should go out and do something that makes you happy. I eat food and kill things in video games, may not be your cup of tea, but it works for me. Now do whats best for everyone and get over your insecurities.
Grono
So I feel sorry for myself often. So I am overly insecure. So I complain a lot. BIG DEAL. I mean, come on man, this is my JOURNAL. So it follows that I can complain all I want. It doesn't mean that you have to read it. Or even that you should. I complain a lot about being upset because that is how I feel. Sometimes,
many times, it's irrational. But that's how things are at the moment. And sometimes they don't make sense. And they don't always have to. And I
do try to get over it, by keeping myself busy. I do things with my friends and I read and I knit and I watch movies and I
write my feelings down because that makes me feel better; otherwise, I will just keep thinking about it over and over again. If I can write it down, I can let it go. I know that I need to get past some of my problems, and I am working on it. It doesn't mean I will ever be perfect at it, or even very good at all. Also...if you don't know me in real life, I really don't think you can say much. My journal isn't the best representation of my personality as a whole. So there. I am going to watch Harry Potter now. PFF on you.
Oh. But I liked the part you wrote about me being witty. I feel special now. Really. Honestly. No kidding man. Thanks. I always wanted to be witty.
Ruby said I look like I miss someone. I thought, maybe it's a collective spirit of all the best things in all of my friends. And maybe I just miss that. Or maybe I miss someone I have never even met before. I miss someone who doesn't exist.
I feel like screaming. These feelings have been lying just beneath the surface for far too long. I can feel my sense of caring drift away. I am becoming numb, and I hate it. That sounds like an oxymoron. They're gnawing at me. Nothing is pure or concentrated. I can only stab myself with a blunt knife edged with discontent. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I know there are people who care, but I just can't pull myself to bother anyone about it. It's not worth it. Because there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said. And that's why I'm becoming so numb. Because I am tired of going through the same things and only getting a temporary reprieve. I am tired of nothing ever changing no matter what I do. I guess I am not ready to change. Because I still haven't forced myself to. I gave up so many things to become a better, happier person, but I am only more miserable. All of this is so irrational. It's all so stupid. I don't even have the right to be upset about anything. I am lucky, really. But I am not lucky in everything. Because I am alone. I think I always have been. People come into my life and things are good, but then they leave again. I know I should make
myself happy, and I have been trying, really I have, but I just am not. I realize that sometimes, things are just no better than OK. But how long do I have to live just being OK? That's not enough. And I fulfill human nature: I will always want more.
OK, so I am thinking I'll name my great American novel
OMG, Another Single White Female!!
Kosher, yesh?
When You Showed Me Myself I Became Someone Else
Things have been going better for me lately. I am realizing how blessed I am for the things that I have. So why am I still unhappy? I try not to think about it too much or I will lose sight of these blessings in my life, and only see what's missing. Tomorrow I register for classes. I hope to get Political Science, Western Civilization, German, Philosophy, Journalism, and Choir. I have already checked the Schedule of Classes on the UNL website, and it says all of these are available. So I am happy! If I get all of these classes, I will have 18 hours. I know, impressive lot, yes? Today, I learned the Japanese alphabet. Yu may yet teach me some Japanese! Yay! Today, Yu interviewed me for his class. He has to interview an American. Yay! Steven and Ruby keep teasing me and Kyri and telling us we need to be a couple because it would be convenient. Something about double dating. So embarrassing! How am I supposed to respond? Eep. Anyway. Wednesday was Kyri's birthday. We had this little get together at midnight in Kyri's room. We surprised him. :) Now all the Japanese kids know my name! Yay! Lol. They say my name funny. But so does Kyri. I love it! Kyri asked me when my birthday was, so I put it on his schedule on his wall. Yay, it's written down now! Anyway, I don't know what else to talk about...ummm. I am knitting a freaking awesome scarf! I can't wait till I'm done with it! I think I am actually started to grow callouses on my fingers from the yarn rubbing against them. Hehe. Now I have no excuse. I must learn to play the violin. Or at the very least, the guitar. Anyway, my feet smell because I was wearing these evil, smelly shoes. So I am going to go stick them under the showerhead and rinse them off. BYE!
In Response to the Bitter
This year, as in the past, Republicans will portray us Democrats as embittered academics, desiccated Unitarians, whacked-out hippies and communards, people who talk to telephone poles, the party of the Deadheads. They will wave enormous flags and wow over and over the footage of firemen in the wreckage of the World Trade Center and bodies being carried out and they will lie about their economic policies with astonishing enthusiasm. --Garrison Keillor
Why you gotta be hating, man? I think that is a huge generalization. I consider myself a Moderate, not a Republican, but I don't think that all of this nasty name-calling is necessary. In fact, it makes things worse. The way I see it, both sides are wrong. I do not agree with the way Bush pushed us into this war so quickly without getting the support of the UN, or at least of a majority of countries within the UN. I, like most people, am angry that we went in without a real reason--as I can see it, anyway. I don't agree with Bush's policies on gay marriage. I don't feel like it's really any of my business. But I don't think leaving it up to the individual states is that good, either. I mean, say a couple gets married in Massachusetts but then has to move to Texas. Texas will likely not recognize the union, which can cause all sorts of problems. For example, it will eliminate the possibility of certain tax exemptions, and, if the state does not recognize the union, then if one partner dies, the other cannot collect on their life insurance. What if they are left behind to raise children and take care of the bills? What then? Federalism is a double-edged sword. I am not going to make any statement about the economy, because I don't know enough about it, except that whilst Kerry makes the statement that Bush has the worst economic record since Hoover, our economy for just this past October was pretty normal. I don't agree with Bush on the FCC policies regarding expanding television networks' span by relaxing the rules and restrictions put on the networks. I disagree with Bush on quite a bit, really. But I don't hate him. And I don't hate the Republicans. I don't hate the Democrats, either. But I do hate when people insult others for their views and try to force their views on others. It's like trying to force someone into a religion when they're very clearly athiest. It's like trying to force the American way of life onto another country which has not grown up with the seeds of freedom; "democracy is not the fruit of every climate and is not, therefore, within the capacity of every people." These people, they're just going to end up resenting you for it. You're trying so hard to open each other's eyes, but the way you're going about it only further alienates them. You're making things worse.
You say, Keillor, that Republicans will call you bitter. Is this wrong? HOW?
If you want to read more about the truth of the issues, check Factcheck.org
A Softer World
A Softer World prints
OK guys, I want one of these prints. You know which one I want? I want Number 11, titled "We Play Battleship." So, for my birthday or for Christmas, one of you is going to get me Number 11, titled "We Play Battleship," right? RIGHT? Good. Good boys and girls.
All right, so it's official. Bush has been reelected. Now, if any of you want to start belly-aching, do it on your own time. For more on this, take a look at my entry titled "UGH." Written on the 27th of October. I have to say, Glenny's entry is pretty funny. Have a look-see. As Chris Bailey puts it, "Wow... Kerry gets destroyed in the popular vote, loses in the electoral college, the Minority leader lost his seat in congress, the GOP has a dominant lead in seats in both houses... People on welfare better start looking for jobs."
