Sometimes, it's nice to be right in the middle. You know, between happy and sad. But it's hard, too. Especially if you're used to one or the other. Black or white. Not gray. But home again is pleasant. Mostly, anyway. Oddly enough, I think I missed space the most. And the comfort of solitude. Being able to hear noise around the house. Noise at night without the headphones always on. They make me feel so isolated.
Time guides so much of our lives. It tells us when we're ready. How else do we find ourselves progressing, moving on? How else do we find ourselves suddenly adults? It drags on and speeds so fast; so fast, it looks like it's not moving at all as it weaves its way around us and back again. Again and again.
I really haven't got anything else to ponder. At least in writing...
Except that movie White Noise looks exceptionally creepy. I'd hate to think there's always someone there to see me make a fool of myself all of the time.
So I walked into my sister's room today and saw a pink wig sitting on her mannequin head thing. I couldn't resist. HOTTNESS. The wig is, anyway.
Also, Ruby and Steven gave me THIS for my birthday. It is SO badass!! Also, can I just say that the guy in that picture is so pretty?? It seems I have. ^^
I called Allyson today and we ended up talking on the phone for like...2 hours or something. It was awesome! I miss my friends! I can't talk to anybody here like I can to my friends back home. Well, Jenny. But she's always busy. So that leaves me talking to myself or not at all. Some people foster the illusion that you're crazy if you talk to yourself. They just don't know any better.
Pursuits to break my own self limits have been fruitful. I'm working on it, anyway. Current goal: be more sociable. Today, a small achievement, but one nonetheless. I left comments on everybody's wall on thefacebook.com. I think I got to everybody.
Today I saw some kids from my alpha class walking out of the cafeteria after the exam. One of them waved, and I thought he was waving to me. Alas, he was not. And so I quickly pretended to be leaning on my hand. I hate when that happens. It happens all the time. So, just as I have learned not to respond to "Ashley!", I'm just going to assume they're not waving at me. I am never going to name my kids really common names. It's such a burden. The wave? Well, that's pretty unavoidable.
Agenda for the next two days:
sleep
pack
sleep
watch a movie
sleep
clean
eat
and if I have time, study.
The Japanese kids are leaving tomorrow. I am going to miss them all a lot. Especially Hiroki and Yu, who I was really lucky to talk to on a regular basis. I think I'd like to visit Tokyo this summer. Or somewhere...I feel this incessant need to travel!
The Group at Kyri's Birthday Thing
Sharky! (Top to Bottom, Left to Right: Hiroki, Kyriakos, Yu, Me, Ruby, and Steven)
I cannot wait to go home. I am so tired of these "friends." I mean, honestly, where did human decency go? I don't understand what it is about me that always gets me off by myself feeling so damned alone in such a big crowd of people. I don't understand what it is about me that makes people stop listening before they even start. Like some natural instinct, avoid me like the plague. I thought maybe I was just being paranoid. But when it keeps happening, over and over again, with so many people, it can't be just coincidence. What the hell? Am I boring? I guess I must be. It's not that I'm particularly depressing. Except on here. In real life? Almost never. I realize the time and place to complain lies in a journal. But I am so sick of people asking questions that they'll never actually hear the answers to. Do you really care? Do you really want to know? Or are you just going to completely space out the minute I start to answer you? Don't ask me then, damn it. Where the hell did human decency go to? If I ask you a question, like how you're doing, I am prepared to listen to the most mundane of details. --- I almost laughed at it today in the store. So funny how Chaifei's kitchen fits three people comfortably but four is much too much; I mean, it really is. Pretty darn crowded. Funny how the layouts in stores only afford enough space for three people. Funny how I am slowly getting pushed out of everything. Why the hell do I care so much? Why can't I just be happy for once instead of always being so dissatisfied? Why can't I find real people? People who are considerate? I know everyone has their faults, but...aren't there still some considerate people around? I hate when people make plans in front of me. Making plans that don't include me, that is. Why you gotta make me feel so much more left out than is necessary? There must be something I'm missing. Something that's simple, right in my face-blind.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere. Because I'm always just going to feel the same. No matter how hard I try to get past it, no matter how many changes I try to make, I will never be different. And the thought of living that way the rest of my life scares the hell out of me. So what else is there after this? What happens in saecula saeculorum?
The Journal Star included the latest issue of The Onion in its shipment today, which was highly entertaining. Of course.
In other news, living with a couple will drive any sane, single girl crazy. I swear. It was fine at first. But now, they're like...all mushy. Mushroomy. That's what I'm going to call it. They were all kissy kissy last night and who knows what else. I don't. And I don't want to. I just sat there, trying to sleep. So silently. Next semester, Steven will have a room in Selleck, and I will never see either of them. So that should be...lonely. But at least I won't have to deal with the mushroomyness. UGH. I wanted to gag or scream or something. It's all too much for me. Two weeks and I'm home. Thank God. Two weeks and this semester is over. And a new one begins. And I won't have time to worry about a couple being too mushroomy.
I come home December 17th. The day after my birthday. I am planning on seeing Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events Even if everyone cancels on me, I am going to see it. Fine. I will watch it alone if I have to. Also, LOTR: Return of the King (Platinum Series Special Extended Edition) comes out Dec. 14th. I am planning on getting it. I will get it.
Being home was kind of interesting. My parents like me more now that I don't live with them. They let me use their car and they let me choose what to eat! I also got a new cell phone because we switched companies, and new clothes for the winter. And a ball that makes ice-cream when you throw it around. Seriously. Except it wasn't $25. It was $19. : ))
The other night was great. Jessica came over to spend the night and then I decided to go to Walmart at around 11:30. I had to wake up my parents to get the car keys. That was fun. My dad was just like...ok. : )) See? They're nice to me all of the sudden! We decided to visit Rachael, so we IMed her before we left and found out where her house was. I forgot to take the directions with me, so I just had to guess. It was fun. : )) I only messed up twice, dude. Then, after talking to Rei at her house for a while, we decided to go to IHOP. We got there at like 1:30 or something and then started talking to these guys. I guess they're at IHOP like every night because the whole staff knows them. They were pretty nice, I guess. Then they started talking about how they grew up and that was depressing. I was like, dude, I have no reason to be sad about anything at all. I have it great. That's depressing. We stayed there until 5:30 or something, then dropped off Rei and went back home. So much for Walmart. I was going to go. We didn't get to sleep until like 8:30. Of course, that's likely part of the reason I slept so late on Monday. I mean, I didn't get almost any sleep over the break at all. Well, there's always Christmas Break. And I can't wait!
Glenny
Jenny
Joy
Jeremy
Josh
Shawn
This is ME.
My LJ
Journal Archives
