Wouldn't it be nice to move away and become someone else? I don't think I could. No matter where I go, I'm completely the same. I mean, sure, I act differently around my friends than I do around others. Most people are like that. But wouldn't life be so much more pleasant if you could act the way you act around your friends all of the time, with everyone? I guess that's the kind of change I'm seeking, whilst desperately trying to disregard the improbability of its occurrence.
When I was at Walmart Friday night/Saturday morning, I decided to get fish. I was just staring at them, and there was nothing stopping me from getting one. So I did. And then, there was no real reason I couldn't get a second. So I did. I have two Betas. A male and a female, of course. Male Betas, as you may well know, cannot be in the same tank together because they will kill each other. But males and females are fine. Obviously. How else could they reproduce? Have you seen them sitting there in Walmart? All the Betas, sitting alone in tiny little plastic cups? They look so bored. They barely move, and their fins just hang there, lifeless. But when you put them in a big tank with lots of pretty scenery, and give them attention, they swim around a lot and you can see their pretty fins floating gracefully along as they glide back and forth through the water. Like a flag in a gust of wind. A resounding symbol of freedom. To an extent, of course. But I'm rambling now. The male is named Edwin, and the female, Wanda. Yes. In reference to A Fish Called Wanda, which I have never seen, by the by. I also have never met anyone named Edwin or Wanda. Steven and Ruby both know people named Edwin. But no Wanda. I guess Wanda must be a dated name or something. I mean, don't hate me if your name is Wanda or you just happen to have fond regards for the name Wanda. It's a perfectly respectable name. Just rather rare these days... I also got A Wrinkle in Time, the DVD, while I was there yesterday. I am pretty excited about that. I saw it when it was on TV a year or so ago. It was pretty good. True to the book, for the most part.
Anyway, it's nearly 4, and I have so much studying to do tomorrow. Unfortunately... : (( I will have to drag myself kicking and screaming through the whole ordeal, but I will get it done. Or at least most of it. Good night.
Do you actually remember the precise time when you changed so much? I don't. It's all very vague. I spend so much time in the past trying to sort it all out, what really happened. It's a bit of a fuzzy dream. Even the big things, like change. When did I actually start to like cleaning things up? When exactly did I decide to be honest? When, in all that time, did I grow up? I think it occurred in the spur of a moment. My brain tricked me into thinking I enjoy this stuff. Into thinking that cleaning up my room was cleaning up my life, and being myself was popular. Because sooner or later, all these things become necessary, and if you can maybe find some way to like them, it's better.
Today, we went ice skating. I have only been one other time, and that was a long time ago. I barely remember the second-rate mall in Dallas, with the hot chocolate machine that scalded one of the girls in my daycare. I was very proud of myself, learning how to ice skate all on my own. I like ice skating. It's a single- and couple/group- friendly venture. If I were rich and owned my own rink or pond up north, I'd skate all the time, all by myself. I'd weave in and out instead of going in circles round a track. That's what always bothered me. I don't like thinking of myself as part of a herd, following everybody in front of me, round and round, completely mindless. I feel like I could draw my story on the ice, a twisted path, swirly and at times abrupt, my skates my quill. And then, pour water over it, clean slate again and again.
I like Portuguese. It's a lovely language. I'm listening to Seu Jorge right now, and I don't understand a word of it, but it's really soothing. Just random sounds; it's calming my soul, even more so than words can do.
I don't know why this didn't happen earlier, but I'm all of the sudden starting to freak out about being here. For some reason, being here during the fall and away from everybody was perfectly fine, but now I'm a mess? So weird. I mean seriously. Seriously. I start breaking down every time I talk to my parents or I see something my mom sent in the mail. I start to get upset that of all my friends that said they'd visit me, only Jessica did. I realize they meant to. I know that...but for some reason, it doesn't seem to matter. I am surprised that I wasn’t more bothered by the mean note somebody left on my board while I was gone. I guess it bothers me more that I don’t know who wrote it. I didn’t think I had made any enemies here… As far as I know, anyway… Which is why I really want to know who wrote it. That’s just stupid and cowardly to not leave your name if you’re going to write something like that. Anyway. Continuing with my strange condition: when I got back here, I remembered I don't have anybody. It's really difficult to adjust to not having a support system here. It’s especially difficult when I really need one. I had to wait till 9 last night just to get my box from the mailroom because I couldn’t find anybody else to get it for me. I missed Alias. Rrrr. This appendicitis thing sucks. I didn’t have anyone to help me the day I got back either. I ended up carrying stuff that was way too heavy for me. Definitely more than the 10 lbs. I’m limited to. I had to drag all of my luggage through the icy, snowy parking lot and then across the street to Selleck. Luckily, a lady offered to help me carry it up the stairs, though I think she regretted that later. The thing weighed 46 pounds.
Classes are going pretty well, I think. I am getting to all of them on time, even though the morning ones are insanely early. Philosophy seems like it will be a really interesting subject. Of course, on the first day, with the first lesson, I already have a bunch of questions. Logic is fun! German, which is the one class I have everyday, is also not too bad. My class is pretty small. I actually have someone to talk to in there, too. : ) I have a feeling Western Civ is going to be kind of boring. I really like history, so I wish the professor was more…interesting to listen to during the lectures. I kept falling asleep during class today. I haven’t really started on my Political Science stuff yet. It’s a self-paced class, so of course I’m goofing off. I don’t think it’s going to prove all that interesting. My journalism class isn’t horrible, but I have to do this journal thing for it, and I have to do two or more entries a week in it if I want to make higher than a C on it. Ugh. I hate when they make you do those things.
I should really get out more. I’m just sitting in my room doing nothing. I got back from Western Civ at 1:30 and I think I’ve been watching TV ever since. Well, I turned it off about an hour ago, at least. If it weren’t so freaking cold, I would take my computer to the coffee shop and do some studying there. They have free wifi. It’s zero degrees Fahrenheit right now. And feels like –10. It was –4 this morning. I have a slight cold right now, and it is so cold that it’s freezing everything up…I am sure you really wanted to hear about that. The air is so cold that for the first few seconds I’m outside, my lungs have to adjust and my breath catches in my throat. I love that!! Really. That’s not sarcasm.
Anyway…so I don’t really feel like walking all the way to the coffee house. Too far and too cold!
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