In the past, I've said I'm only caring because that's all I
can be. Should I quantify that?
I don't want to be alone. I'd rather put off the pains of existence for as long as possible. If I can just be around people, I can forget about these. It's an insatiable need for company. I don't know that I can explain the need completely. But it doesn't matter because that's not what this is about.
This is about being the only person I can be. And that's a caring person. It's the only thing that comes naturally to me. It does not mean that I am always able to empathize with you. But it means that I care about your well-being. So even if I think you're being an insufferable, angsty depressive with no
real problems in sight, I'll stick by you. You know, because I care or something. This sounds bitter and unkind. But, still I care. I cannot make myself stop. This is what will keep me from every horrible wrong I contemplate committing. The two would clash too violently.
So. I care. I invest everything I can into being there, if needed. I never want to look back knowing I could have done something, but didn’t do it.
This caring personality is something that everyone needs. They use it. They love it. They talk and they talk and they find themselves. And they feel dependent on you, like you’re a security blanket. And that’s my role. And for the company, I don’t mind being used. Because I use them back. I don’t think using is so bad. If it’s mutual.
That’s why I’m caring. That’s how I live. It’s convenient, if not all together satisfying.
Of course, it all hinges on my remaining sane. If I lose my mind, anything might happen. And probably the worst. If I ever wish to lose it, I know exactly how to do it. Don't we all? In our minds, we are
all villains. It's the difference between thinking and acting that allows us to continually accept ourselves as decent members of society.
Breaking that line is how we find ourselves an island, completely isolated. We can break ties with even the most persistent of people, if only we find the key. And the key is written in their every expression, their every word, their every good intention, and their every bit of trust and confiding in you. All that is left is to act. Because haven’t you already contemplated breaking them? Breaking away?
“It's like, have you ever stood with
someone at the edge of a cliff, or
the edge of a subway platform, and
you think, just for a split second,
‘What if I pushed him?’”Maybe it just makes you feel powerful, knowing you could break someone. You could really and truly break them. And that means you are important. You are influential. And so every second you see to their delicate balance, always keeping it gently in good sway, you feel the world in your hands.
But you are just as vulnerable. Like a domino effect, if someone pushes you too far, you will knock down everything in sight. You’ll think you’ve grown up, and you’ll want to throw off all the thin excuses you have had for happiness. You’ll really believe that the only friend you have is yourself, and it won’t matter whether or not it is true. Because it is fiducial to you.
Self-sabotage will become the only important thing to you. You’ll break down, and you’ll break everything with you. If you can just make everyone hate you, if you can just get past hating yourself, you’ll be forced into that defense mechanism. You’ll love yourself like no one else does. More than you ever loved yourself at any other time. And it will be easy because you’ll know that the world is cruel and petty and the thought of hitting bottom will comfort you. Such an ideal, bringing yourself down in order to bring yourself up. It’s the most humane way to go about things, really the most painless.
I guess the question beyond all of it is, at the point where you’ve learned to love yourself, will you realize that you’re lonely? And will you ever stop being alone after the damage you’ve done?
